UMWC: Finding Aloha in Moving Forward

I've started and stopped and deleted and started again at least a dozen times.  But the truth is, there's not much more I feel like sharing about Ultraman Worlds.  For my crew, who were with me through the days before and after, and got me though the race in one piece...  I feel like our stories are sacred.  I don't necessarily want to share them with the whole world.  I like being able to say "circle of recovery" and know that there are only 3 people on the planet who can laugh in solidarity. 

Maybe what everyone should know is how amazing my crew was.  How when I was having a meltdown at the bike turnaround on day 1 they held my bike steady as I gulped air and tried to hold back tears.  How on day 2 they made me smile and laugh during the climb, and reminded me to just "take the next breath" and fed me egg rolls to boost my energy half way through the day.  They absorbed whatever I gave them and reflected back to me only the positive affirmations and mantras that I had chosen, allowing me to stay "in the zone."  

And how my mom burst into tears at the end of day 1 when she saw me on the massage table, overcome with the emotion of it all.  And how my dad and sister drove 55 miles (each way) to meet us at the finish of day 2, so they could schlep my bike (and back-up bike) back to Kona, leaving more space in the crew van on day 3. 

And how on day 3, they didn't care how slow I was moving, only that I kept moving.  And we talked, and they told me stories, and Josie spontaneously used foreign accents to keep me laughing and Chris allowed himself to be objectified by performing (at the request of my girls who knew it would be a pick-me-up) for me as I ran by the crew van, which he was using as a pole.  (BTW, he's got moves, in case you were wondering.) 

And how my family got the key code and let themselves into our rental to decorate it before we got back there when it was all said and done.  And they ended up staying to the wee hours of the night and we laughed, and played pin the tail on the llama, and had a spontaneous dance party.  Only my sister could get me up and dancing after 3 days of Ultraman racing. 

These are the moments that I carry with me.  I don't remember every single thing that I ate.  Or thought that penetrated my mind.  Or swirly sensation that graced my body over the 3 days.  I do remember how much I felt loved and supported.  I remember the beauty of the island, and feeling so grateful to be able to do what I do.  I remember laughing and having fun and enjoying the moments.  I remember feeling like I had nothing left to prove when it was all said and done...  satisfied... finished... ready to move on....

Hopefully if you wanted more details and info you had a chance to listen to the podcast with YogiTriathlete or read the Q&A with my SFQ sisters.  2019 is going to be a chance for me to give back to those who have supported me over the last few years.  I have more crew opportunities on my calendar than races.  And I couldn't be happier or more excited to give back and pay it forward.  

Always Anotha Thing: Finding Aloha in the Next Big Thing

#findingkona was never about Ironman.  The true meaning behind it has more to do with the idea of stepping outside your comfort zone.  Of taking risks.  Believing in yourself.  Believing that you are worthy of huge goals.  Big, scary goals.  Ones that force you to risk failure in order to achieve them.  It's about deciding that a dream is worth 100% focus and dedication, no matter how long it takes. 

At the time when I gave my dream a name, my goal was to qualify and compete at Ironman World Championships, thus Finding Kona was born.  Once I qualified everyone asked me if I would change my handle, and my response was NO.  No, because there will always be another dream.  Another goal.  Another challenge.  I have a few on my mind right now, but after those... there will be more!  I just don't know what they are yet.  And that's the beauty of dreams.  I don't ever want to stop dreaming.  As the #bff said so eloquently after Ultraman, (insert Boston accent here:)  There's always anotha thing.

After I qualified for Kona, I added the hashtag #findingaloha to my repertoire.  To me, this represented the idea that I was fulfilling this dream with passion and joy.  Finding aloha, or love, in everything I do.  And just like #findingkona, it's not limited to my race in Hawaii in 2016.  It is my goal every day when I get out of bed.  To chase my dreams with passion.  To be joyful in the pursuit, even when my body is being beaten down in training, and I'm failing workouts.  Remembering that I GET to do this brings everything back into the correct perspective.

I sat down with YogiTriathlete at Indian Wells 70.3 to talk about Ultraman.  You can listen to that podcast here.   But if you missed the podcast extra on Patreon...

The next big thing is called the SCAR Swim Challenge and it looks like this:
Day 1:  Saguaro Lake, 9.5 mile (15.2 km) swim
Day 2:  Canyon Lake, 9 mile (14.4 km) swim
Day 3:  Apache Lake, 17 mile (27.3 km) swim
Day 4:  Roosevelt Lake, 6.2 mile (10 km) swim

In case you got distracted by the individual swim distances, it's a 4 day, 4 lake, 41 mile swim that takes place in April near where I live.  My swim training partner and I have had our eye on it for a few years, but with my other goals it was never the right time to take on this challenge.  After I was invited to Ultraman Worlds, and qualified to race Ironman Worlds again last fall, we discussed it and decided it was time to throw our hats in the ring.  There will never be another time as perfect as Spring 2019 for this adventure.

The swim is conducted on English Channel rules, meaning no wetsuit and actually "no bathing suit past the crotch" so no Sim shorts (aka: cheater panties), no speed suit, no competition suit.  Just me, my swim suit, and a swim cap.  And a fuck ton of calories.

Each swimmer has a kayaker.  I've hired my #bff's husband's bff.  :)  Say that fast 3 times.  I met Kevin when H was getting ready for H2H.  He was her crew captain extraordinaire, and when I was talking about SCAR and wanting an experienced kayaker H suggested Kevin.  He's already been in the lake practicing so I know I'm in good hands.  Apparently in the past some of the kayakers couldn't make the distance on day 3 because the wind tends to kick up in the afternoon forcing you to swim/ paddle against a current.  Just a little added bonus.

There are cutoff times each day, but we've been ramping up training pretty quickly and I have no doubt I will be 100% prepared to cover the distance come April.  Speaking of training-- I was meant to be a swimmer.  There is nothing I look forward to more than double swim days!  We've been working on strength-- lots of band work, lots of IM.  I've never swum so much butterfly in my life.  I hit a wall about a week ago and felt like I couldn't lift my arms out of the water.  I *know* that in a couple of weeks my body will adapt and I will feel more normal again, but holy hell, I've never felt my shoulders ache like this in my life.

2 months ago, the thought of swimming 17 miles terrified me.  I honestly wasn't 100% sure I could cover the distance (after already swimming 18 miles on the first 2 days).  1 month ago, we worried about the water temps.  Would we freeze trying to swim 41 miles in April without a wetsuit?  Today I am confident that we will cover the distance, warmed by the desert sunshine.  That we will be part of the black cap ceremony (honoring those swimmers who complete the entire day 3 swim within the allotted time).  That we will be #findingaloha every minute of those 41 miles because this is an adventure unlike any we've ever taken on before and we are worthy of this dream.

High Vibe Retreat: BFF Edition

Last month I went to my second High Vibe Retreat in Carlsbad CA.  After my retreat in October I immediately thought it would be a perfect girls weekend for my tribe.  My #bffx2.  My #doubletrouble.  Basically, me and my girls would have an Australia reunion--- in California.  Bonding over plant based nutrition and yoga.  Digging deep into mindfulness and meditation.  Growing, stretching, encouraging, challenging, and supporting each other.  And I have to say my intuition on this paid off.

At first I was a little bit worried about what my bff might think about all this meditation stuff.  She's kind of a no-nonsense, East coast born and raised, no time for bullshit gal.  But she's also funny, and sweet, and introspective, and wants to believe in herself and make all those big dreams come true.  And what better way to encourage that than through mindfulness?

Girls weekend!!

We met up in Phoenix and made the 6 hour road trip to the California coast.  Talking, laughing, catching up.  Though we talk all. the. time, we haven't been together, the 4 of us, since Ultraman Australia last May!  We settled into our hotel room and got some dinner and shared a lot of laughs over a glass of wine.  We had worked with Jess ahead of time to set an itinerary that met all of our desires.  We wanted to focus on yoga and meditation, and incorporate some hard training sessions, but have them be the "breaks" from the real work.

The first morning of our retreat I was scheduled to do a 14 mile steady pace run.  Marsha got up early with me to run before we met with the group for our first mindfulness session.  2 weeks before the retreat I had spoken with Hillary about increasing my run mileage to try to help my run legs come around.  Until that point they had been sluggish and non-responsive in sessions.  So the plan was 2 part-  increase overall mileage to give my legs more base to work from, and work on making my "easy" pace a bit faster, and my "fast" pace a lot faster.  That run was one of our first tests of making my easy pace faster.  It was also my longest run since Ironman Arizona in November so I wasn't sure how it would go!  We headed out into hurricane force winds and ran from our hotel in Carlsbad through downtown and along the bike path into Oceanside.  We ended up on the San Luis Rey bike path heading inland for a few miles before it was time to turn around.  On our way back through Oceanside we ran along the 70.3 course before finishing our run along the Pacific Coast Highway.  I was thrilled to be able to run, conversationally, at a much faster pace than I would have believed possible 2 weeks before.

The meditation circle.

We dove right into the retreat with a meditation session and some discussion on mindfulness.  Already I could tell it was going to be an amazing weekend.  Two of us had been practicing meditation for several months, and were eager and ready to share this with our other halves.  After our morning session we hit the pool for swim session with BJ.  During the session we were challenged to observe our thoughts.  Did we start to put limitations on ourselves when things got tough?  Did we give ourselves an "out"?  Did we worry about how fast we were swimming compared to our lane mates?

Swimming in the sunshine!

After the swim we had a quick lunch at a local favorite, Choice Juicery, and then moved into our afternoon mindfulness sessions.  The bff and I met with BJ for a discussion on mindfulness in training and racing.  I think I can speak for both of us when I say we walked away with a better understanding of how to use our minds and thoughts as tools to enhance our training, rather than let our minds work against us.  That evening we met at Endurance House for yoga, followed by dinner and a discussion on plant based nutrition.

Coffee and mindfulness in racing and training discussion!

Day 2 of the HVR started early with a 5 am meditation session and breakfast followed by a 75 minute run with BJ along the PCH.  We did a handful of hill sprints followed immediately by 20 minutes of tempo work.  I wasn't nearly as fast as BJ and Marsha, but I felt strong and was happy with my tempo pace.  And when BJ asked us afterward what thoughts went through our heads during the hill sprints/ tempo set, I smiled inwardly as I remember thinking to myself as I chased the tall, thin figures of Marsha and BJ ahead of me... I never feel so strong as I do running hills.  I was definitely in my happy place.

After the run we walked into Carlsbad for yoga at Yoga Bound, one of the studios where Jess is a regular instructor.  She is an amazing yoga teacher, one of the most intuitive and best yoga instructors I've taken class from.  I know I'm not a regular yogi right now, but I used to take classes 3 times a week minimum, so I feel like I've had my share of styles for comparison.

YogiTriathlete studio.

After class we indulged in coffee at Steady State Roasting and then brunch prepared by Jess and BJ in their studio apartment.  After brunch I had my one-on-one mindfulness session with Jess while Marsha and Laura met with BJ to discuss mindfulness in training and racing.  We caught up on what I had been doing in meditation since my last HVR, and where I wanted to go in the future.  I was reminded again how intuitive Jess is as she mentioned things that I had noticed but maybe not put a lot of thought into.  And we set goals on how I was going to use my meditation practice in the coming race season.

I swapped out with my bff for her solo session and I headed out on an easy 30 minute afternoon jog to flush the legs.  Then we went back to E-House for my favorite session of the weekend-- the Yoga Roll class.  You guys.  This class was AMAZING.  Honestly, if I lived nearby it would be on my weekly calendar.  Every week.  It was SO good.  We used the Trigger Point Grid to work every muscle group in the body.  And I'm not talking 10 minutes rolling around in front of the television at night which is my usual.  I'm talking 60 minutes.... ONE HOUR... on the TP roller working out all the kinks.  When I ran the next morning, my legs felt the best they've felt in months.

Yoga Roll!!  New favorite class.

The final day of our HVR I ran early with the bff and we shared thoughts on the weekend and the impact we felt it was going to have on our training and racing.  We are both super excited about incorporating this into life, and I was thrilled that she proved all my fears about the weekend unfounded.  We gathered the other bffs and went to Jess and BJ's for a very early meditation session and then drove to Oceanside for one last yoga session.  This class, led by Jess, was more of a yin style, which was exactly what we all needed after the last few days of travel and hard work-- both on and off the meditation cushion.  We sank deep into some restorative poses and just let gravity work on loosening things up.

Restorative yoga at E-House.

After yoga, we entered silence which lasted through breakfast which was back at Jess and BJ's studio.  We shared a final meditation during which, as we sat in our circle, we had to stare into the person's eyes across from us.  First of all, have you ever tried to do this?  Stare into someone's eyes and not shy away from the intensity?  Resist that urge to turn your head or shift your eyes?  Not laugh or make faces to distract them from the discomfort?  I challenge you to do this with someone you trust.  It's very powerful.

As I stared into the eyes across the circle from me, I fell through the black hole of the pupil into the vast darkness behind the iris.  And I felt as though I was looking at myself.  I could see everything that I like and don't like about myself only there was no judgment.  I could see fear and unworthiness, but they weren't negative- they were just there, right beside the joy, and contentment, and passion for life.  And the joy radiated so brightly that even though I was lost in the blackness- it was just space, and not darkness.  And this is how it is inside each of us.  We have all of these things together in one beautiful package, and yet only by removing the judgment can we let our true light shine, unhindered by fear or self doubt.  As Jess brought us out of our "staring contest" I had to fight back tears.  Not of sadness, but of relief.  As though I had let go of all of the baggage that I had been carrying around with me over the last few months that I didn't even realize I had.

I wasn't ready to leave the California coast just yet, but we had a deadline with flights and shuttles out of Phoenix so we hit the road.  We had good discussions and a quiet ride home as we all processed things we learned and where we wanted to go.  We each committed to furthering our meditation practice, whether it was a commitment to take 5 conscious breaths per day, or to sit for longer periods of time without background noise. 

My two HVR experiences have been very different.  With 4 people, it did feel a little more "busy" as we had so many sessions that we wanted to incorporate and different needs that needed to be met.  Everything ran smoothly, but there was not a lot of time to just breathe.  When I came to the first retreat with Rachel, I had more time-- mostly because there were a few hours of time on the bike just cruising and talking and processing.  There is definitely some benefit to both experiences, and I can say that they were each what I needed in that moment.  If I were to do it again I think the itinerary would be different yet again, and a blend of the two experiences.  If you're not ready for an immersion, but want to learn more about meditation, join the M21 Revolution-- a Facebook community committed to living the awake and ready lifestyle through mindfulness and meditation.

Inner badass tapped.  #awakeandready

 

Finding Kona: Staying the Course

I have been noticeably absent from writing this summer and I think it's combination time is escaping me and I was struggling with the lack of sunshine and rainbows.  Over the last few months I've had multiple conversations/ reminders from Hillary that what I'm feeling is normal and not to lose sight of reality.  So here's the reality check:

1.  I remember nailing my 12 mile run the day after spring camp ends, when everyone else was sleeping in and enjoying a little recovery swim.  What I forget is that when I found out I had a 12 mile progression run after 5 days of destroying myself I threw the biggest pity party known to man.  Complete with tears.  #notsunshineandrainbows

2.  I remember the feeling of pride after completing the Mt. Lemmon double.  I felt invincible.  I forget crying on the side of the road at Palisades 3 hours into the ride because I was sure there was no way I could finish the double.  And if I hadn't seen Hillary and her group heading up as I descended the mountain I likely would have gone back to my car, tucked my tail between my legs, and driven home defeated.  #notsunshineandrainbows

3.  I remember being so so tired in April, but so fucking strong.  No matter what she threw at me, the hardest part of my day was getting out of bed.  I did not nail every single workout.  But I finished every single thing she asked me to do and I believe that I was rewarded with my (tired + strong) happy place because of it.

The other thing that I've struggled with is the connection with my goal.  The spiritual connection.  The "it" factor.  That one little piece of the puzzle that drives you, keeps you engaged.  Pursuing Kona for so long, and then finally being able to make that dream a reality, and then rolling straight into Ultraman, which is like #findingkona on steroids... you can imagine the difficulty coming down from that high.  I have struggled since May to connect with a "normal" goal.  To feel satisfied in doing normal things.  I didn't realize how much I was getting on an emotional and spiritual level chasing these goals for the last 4 years.  I imagine it's like summiting Everest and then getting back to base camp wondering, what's next?  There are no higher mountains left to climb.

Thankfully that's not exactly true with triathlon, there's always another goal.  Another race.  A faster time.  Higher watts.  A faster swim.  But taking a step back from Ultraman has been, well... disappointing.  I crave that strong + tired feeling from 5 months ago.  I crave that little bit of fear of the unknown.  Prior to Ultraman I told Hillary that if I was going to race UM, and then be too burnt out to race another Ironman I didn't want to do it.  What I didn't realize at the time is that while I would feel physically fine after Ultraman, mentally it would be more challenging to toe the line in something LESS that Ultraman.  And thus far I've avoided doing so.  I joined my sister for a 3 day half marathon series.  I raced the inaugural Alaskaman Extreme Triathlon.  But it's nearly October and right now I'm not even close to obtaining All World Athlete status for next year.

But knowing that I DO want to go back to Kona again, I had to do something to change this mindset.  I reached out to a friend of mine, Jess the YogiTriathlete, and asked her if I could come live in her world for a few days.  Jess and her husband, BJ, incorporate yoga, meditation and mindfulness into their daily triathlon and running training.  They coach athletes and Jess does online meditation instruction as part of this, but I hoped that by leaving my world behind for a few days, and immersing myself in their culture that I could learn to connect with my goals in a new way.  Bring some fresh vision and life to my dreams.  Be all in for those few days so that I can be all in when I line up to race my first Ironman of the year in 6 weeks.

So next week I will embark on my High Vibe Retreat.  Aside from swim, bike and run training with BJ, I will have daily meditation sessions and yoga on the beach with Jess.  In addition we will prepare most meals together in their plant based kitchen.  My good friend, Rachel, is flying in from Iowa to join me for this most amazing journey.  I have watched her embrace life's ups and downs over the last year and I thought, who better to join me on this adventure?  It would be my dream to one day take my whole tribe for a High Vibe Retreat weekend, but for now, the one on one attention that Rachel and I will receive is what's needed.

We're heading out a few days early so I can do some training with my fellow Team HPB mate and my coach.  And we'll soak up some salty sea air and sunshine while we're at it.  I'm sure there will be plenty of updates on Instagram and I'll be back to recap after the retreat!  Happy training!   

Finding Aloha to Finding Kona: Alaskaman Bridges the Gap

My husband remarked a while back that 2017 was the year of epic adventures.  And this has certainly been true thus far.

After Ultraman, I had a girls weekend planned with my sister in June.  She is doing the 50-states marathon thing and found a race that put on 3 marathons in 3 days in Idaho, Wyoming, and Utah.  I signed up to go with her (mostly just to get valuable time alone with my sis) and at that last minute, changed my registration from the marathon series to the half marathon series because I knew that my post-Ultraman legs could not handle 3 marathons just yet.

Bear Lake Half Marathon day 1:  Idaho

We met in SLC and drove up to Bear Lake, chatting and catching up the whole way.  She has 2 boys- 2 and 3 years old, and works a full time job, so it's rare for me to have time with her-- let alone 4 days of having her all to myself!  

At this same time our other sister was in the process of being diagnosed with invasive ductular carcinoma.... breast cancer.  She called me to tell me the results of her routine mammogram earlier in the week, and she was scheduled for more testing that Friday (day 2 of the race series).  She called us that afternoon to go over the results from the second round of imaging.  In all honesty, it was nice to be in a quiet space with my younger sister when we received the news and could start processing it.  I went through every range of emotions you could think of, and I can't even imagine what our older sister was feeling.  

I felt angry.  How could she have cancer?  She is 17 months my senior.  She's too young and too healthy for cancer.  She eats organic and clean and she exercises but not excessively.  I felt guilty.  She has 3 kids between 8-12 years of age.  They NEED her.  Why couldn't it be me instead?  I felt overwhelming fear and sadness at the thought of the treatments she could be facing.  I could wrap my head around surgery.  As difficult as it was to picture her with scars wrapping her body,  I could not even contemplate chemotherapy.  

Bear Lake Marathon series with Lil Sis.

As I ran the final day of the race series, I slipped my ear buds in because I needed a distraction from the endless thoughts in my head.  Blake Shelton's Mine Would be You came on half way through my playlist and when he got to the verse where he sings, What's the one thing you'd rather die than lose?  Mine would be you, I nearly lost it.  That verse summed up how I felt about the entire situation and over the remaining miles I resolved to do whatever I could to help my sister fight this.  This did not have to be a death sentence.  It is something she has to deal with very aggressively, but there are plenty of women who are surviving this disease every day.  Back at the hotel that night I started researching the various types and stages of cancer so that I could ask good questions and be informed when she described her doctor's recommendations.    

I was at Cadence Running Company getting a little bit of work done before the Tuesday evening group run when she called me with her biopsy results.  I made it through the conversation but when I put the phone down I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  I had been holding out hope that maybe it would be benign or maybe they had made a mistake and there wasn't really anything there.  Having an official diagnosis made it real.  We thought about canceling our trip to Alaska.  But in the end my sister's radical mastectomy was scheduled for the end of July so we decided to go ahead with it.  Our hotel was non-refundable, and even though I had insurance on the rest of it, I really was looking forward to being away and in the mountains.

I wrote about our experience in the Smashfest Diaries.  You can read about them HERE.  When I signed us up for the race a year ago, I overheard on of my co-workers talking about how she and her soon to be husband wanted to go to Alaska one day, but with the wedding and the honeymoon she thought it would be a while.  I thought what perfect timing.  They are young, fit people that could easily hike 7 miles up a mountain with us.  I would be booking our hotels anyway, so they could just stay with us, saving a little money.  So I proposed the idea of being our crew to Christa and she went home and talked it over with her now-husband, Roy.  When she said yes a few days later I was so excited and we started making travel plans.

As the day got closer we met to go over some basics about the race and logistics.  To be honest, being the first year, I didn't have a lot of wisdom to share.  But I knew enough about self supported races from Ultraman that it actually ran very smoothly.

Seward, Alaska

Alaska ended up being just what I needed.  It was insanely beautiful.  If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times.  There are ocean people and there are mountain people.  I am a mountain girl.  Not that I don't love the ocean and the beach, but the mountains speak to my soul.  In the mountains I am me... I am home... I feel free.

Practice swim with Team HPB teammate Taryn.

On the days leading up to the inaugural Alaskaman Extreme Triathlon we swam a little in Resurrection Bay, biked the path that paralleled the highway, and relaxed with the gorgeous scenery just outside our hotel window.  I love Colorado, and the mountains of California, but Alaska is untouched.  It's beauty is pristine and pure in a way you just don't see in the lower 48.  It was breathtaking but I felt like I could breathe.

On Alyeska property.  Just a momma bear strollin.

It started raining on Friday morning before race day and didn't stop until we were halfway to Girdwood on the 111 mile bike course.  On race morning we racked our bikes in transition, donned our wetsuits and hopped on the shuttle to the swim start.  There was a fog blanketing the mountains and the bay, and we were told to sight off of the bright lights of the fire trucks 2.6 miles in the distance.

Pre race.

We had to tread water for about 5 minutes before the gun went off and I started shivering in the cold water.  It took a few minutes for me to warm up once we got moving.  I saw two guys pull way ahead at the start of the swim and after a few minutes I settled into a comfortable pace with another guy.  We basically had our own kayaker all the way through the swim because we were far enough ahead of the next group back.  Half way through we passed the part of the bay where a glacial waterfall empties into the ocean.  The temperatures dropped significantly and I went from being fairly comfortable to being numb and very cold.  I started to feel like I was not making forward progress and almost stopped to ask the kayaker if I was still moving.  My perspective never changed as we were swimming so it was very difficult to tell.  Eventually I did reach the far shore and was able to pull myself upright to get out of the water.  My feet, hands and face were numb so it was impossible to talk and I had zero dexterity.  I was glad to see I wasn't the only one with extremely slow transition times.

Out of the water 4th overall, 1st female.

I changed out of my swim suit into completely dry clothes to start the bike, even though it was still raining a bit.  The air temp was in the 60s so it really wasn't that cold once I got moving, but it took a good 10 miles for my body to defrost.  Christa was able to start her job of crew at mile 30 of the bike ride so from there until about mile 70 I gradually peeled off layers to hand off when we exchanged bottles.

Scenes from the bike course.

My body felt great for about 50 miles, and good enough for a total of 70.  After that my lack of training over the previous 6 weeks became evident as my body started to fatigue.  I had plenty of endurance to handle the miles, but my body wasn't used to being in aero that long and my neck and back started to let me know.

My gem, enhanced by the backdrop.

Thankfully the final 25 miles of the bike ride I had the aid of a nice tailwind so it made that final hour fly by.  I was ready to be off the bike, but didn't want to give up the incredible views I had been enjoying.  We had to carry our phones on the course for emergency purposes and it took everything I had not to stop and take pictures along the way.  I kept telling Christa, make sure you are taking photos!

DB and his gem.

I pulled into transition and a volunteer brought me over a chair to sit in while I got into my run gear.  Being self supported meant that you had to carry your own food/ water during the run leg.  Our first aid station would be at mile 14.5, so I had a hydration pack with 1.5 liters of water, and enough gels to get through at least the first 20 miles.  As I stood up to leave transition, my husband (who never caught me on the bike because he had to change a flat 4 times) rolled in.  I waited for him as he pulled on his run shoes and we headed out of transition together.  I kept telling him not to wait for me, I didn't want to hold him up.  But he assured me that he didn't really care about his time-- he had lost 30 minutes on the side of the bike course so he was well out of contention for a prize at that point.

Running up one of the many hills toward Alyeska.

It was so nice to have him there.  We ran and talked about life, and goals, and racing.  We enjoyed the views and talked about the wildlife we wish we had seen.  Pretty soon, our first 20 miles were up and we met up with Christa and Roy to start the final leg of the journey- the 7+ mile hike up Mt. Alyeska.

This was by far the highlight of the day.  The course we took was so steep.  25% grade we were told by the race director.  It was relentless but the view that unfolded as we made our way to the top took our breath away.  It had warmed up when the rain stopped, and with the humidity I was actually getting pretty warm.  I was thankful to be on the mountain and climbing in cooler temps.

View from the top.  Only 4 miles to go!

We stopped in one of the snowfields and threw a few snowballs.  We soaked our hats in a creek filled with snowmelt.  And when we came to one that was too wide for us to jump across, we plunged right through, the icy cold water stinging our feet.  I wanted to savor this time and take as much as I could from our adventure.

We got to the top of the first climb and there was a narrow ridgeline we had to traverse before descending back down.  The 360 degree view from the ridgeline was nothing short of awe inspiring.  We took a few photos and started the equally steep descent back to the lodge.

Savoring the moments and the views.

At the bottom we regrouped and started the final climb up the North Face of the mountain.  This was my favorite stretch of trail as there were build in steps and switchbacks.  I was able to get into a good rhythm and power up the hill.  At the top I stopped to wait for Dan and he grabbed my hand as he went by and we finished the final switchback hand-in-hand before we crossed the finish line.  Christa and Roy took video and a few pics.  We didn't linger long at the top because we were starving and it was getting a little bit chilly.

Christa and I at the finish line!

The next morning we went to the awards banquet and brunch.  I was happily surprised to receive the award for the Overall Masters Female (over 40 division).  I had hoped to be able to take home a coveted mining pan but I wasn't sure where I had finished among the women.  I believe I was 7th overall out of only 26 women that finished.

Overall Master's Female.

We relaxed during the day, lounging in bed late and biking in the afternoon down the bike path.  On Monday we swam in the resort pool and when I was on deck after our dip showering off, a bear walked through the property just outside the window.  It was the second bear we had seen on the property and made our trip complete.

The resort pool.  #nofilter

Arriving home I felt refreshed and ready to get to work helping my sister fight her battle.  I rearranged my work schedule to allow me to fly home for 10 days to be with her in the immediate post op period.  I knew her husband needed to continue to work as much as possible (medical bills don't pay themselves!) And I knew my parents couldn't manage taking care of my sis and her very active kids at the same time.  Either of those jobs is a full time job.

I arrived home late Thursday last week.  We drove down the block from my parents to my sister's house on Friday morning to wish her well before surgery.  Her kids were still in bed sleeping and it was all very rushed as she had to check into the hospital for a dye study prior to the actual surgical procedure.  But it was good we didn't linger because I had been choking back tears for 24 hours by that time and we just needed to get the ball rolling.

Family fun day on the trace.

Friday was the longest day ever.  My parents and I took the 3 kids to the "trace" as we call it, an old rails-to-trails biking and running path that runs for over 70 miles, with the western terminus only minutes from our house.  4 of them biked, and I ran with one of my nephews.  We ran and biked to distract ourselves.  We ran and biked to drown ourselves in sweat because if we didn't do that, we might reach for a less healthy distraction.  Throughout the day we got updates from her husband who spent all day and night at the hospital with her.  7 hours of surgery and it was done.  We prayed that the cancer had been completely removed from her body.  We prayed that she would have a fast and smooth recovery.  We prayed that she would continue to be the positive beacon of faith and hope that she had been over the previous 6 weeks.

My sister is recovering beautifully.  After a sleepless night in the hospital she was released to come home on Saturday evening, 24 hours post op.  The first 24 hours at home were a little rough.  She was uncomfortable, and still feeling negative effects from the anesthesia.  She moved slowly and mostly napped off an on in the privacy of her own bedroom.  As I was helping her get ready for bed I did get her laughing and it was good to see a glimpse of her true light.

Today, day 2, she is a whole new person.  She's been out walking the neighborhood and hanging out with the kids.  We've been laughing more and enjoying the dark humor in all of the things she is dealing with during recovery.  I have no doubt she is ahead of the curve on this whole process.

She'll have biopsy results back at her 2 week post op recheck.  Then she'll meet with the oncologist in another couple of weeks after that to determine the rest of her plan.  I was afraid of chemotherapy and radiation before.  But now I know she's strong enough to handle anything that comes her way.  And I hope to prove my value this week and be invited back to help out when she needs it in the next phase of treatment.

Prior to coming home I expressed my worry about being brave enough to my friend Jackie, who is a 10 year survivor, and she told me you have courage in buckets.  And I guess she's right.  When you don't have a choice in the matter, you just find a way to make it through.  And we could be negative, and feel sorry for my sister.  Or we can dig deep into our buckets of courage and find a way to laugh, and love, and go on living every day to the fullest.

Since Ultraman ended I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last couple of years.  It is completely normal to go through the post race blues, and as you can imagine, they are a thousand times worse after something so amazing as Ultraman.  In the last 4 years I have been tied to one single goal and that pursuit filled me up and satisfied me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I didn't just give my time and energy to #findingkona, I was completely invested in every sense.  The journey fulfuilled my spiritual needs as I was connected with the goal and the process.

Ultraman took that to the next level, shepherding me from the finish line in Kona to the beach in Australia over an incredible 6 month journey.  The triple half and Alaskaman also fed my needs while helping me gradually return to a normal life.  But what next?

After Alaska, I decided to pull out of Wisconsin.  I need a little more time to be ready to go after my next goal for 2018, and the thought of slogging through a 12 hour Ironman race just to get another medal didn't align with my 2017 year of amazing challenges.  I am recovered enough physically, but we've been careful not to overdo anything in the aftermath of Ultraman.  So I'm taking a step back, and a step into more consistent training.  And looking forward to back-to-back races at the end of the year, which DOES align with my 2017 year of challenges!                    

And in case you missed it, I sat down with Jess of the Yogi Triathlete Podcast two weeks after Kona to talk about the journey.  You can listen to that HERE.  Jess and I have been friends since 2008, and like any long distance relationship we often go months without any sort of communication.  But I feel like Jess was dropped into my life this year to help me with the transition from this 4 year pursuit of Kona into the next phase of #findingkona.  If you're not already a YTP fan, you need to get on board, and listening to just 1 or 2 podcasts interviews is all it takes to realize how yoga and mindfullness have enhanced her triathlon life.  I practiced visualization leading up to Ironman Arizona in 2015 and I think I drifted away from that once I achieved my goal of qualifying for Kona.  I am ready to bring that back into my life and take it to the next level to help me achieve the goals I have for next year which include qualifying to race the Ironman World Championship 2018, and applying for the Ultraman World Championship 2018.  

Ultraman Training: Finding Aloha in the Uncomfortable

I have started this post about a dozen times.  And a dozen times I've been interrupted, and then more exciting things happen so I delete and start over.  And it's been a month since my last update.  If I tried to explain everything that has happened in that 30 day time period I guarantee you would not believe me.  I'll run through some highlights.

1.  DAYS after my last post, we went to camp.

Our annual Team HPB training camp takes place over a long weekend in March.  During this weekend we smash ourselves and encourage our teammates to do the same.  This year going into camp with a decent amount of fitness I thought, Oh, I'll just breeze through the 100 mile bike ride and 10k swim no problem.  And compared to past years I did "breeze" through them.  But Hillary always manages to make the workouts challenging testing both my pride and my confidence.

For example, I've been swimming loads of yards for weeks now.  10k is really not a big deal.  BUT she made it a big deal by assigning me intervals that I can't hit.  Like 30 x 100 on 1:30, as 75 free/ 25 stroke (alternating back/ breast / fly).  Free no problem.  All those other strokes?  Forgedaboudit.  Or a kick set on 2:00.  (I SUCK at kicking).  But I did survive the swim.  And I was stronger for challenging myself through it.

A little post 10k swim selfie.

My favorite day ended up being our annual team race up Mt. Lemmon.  We divide into groups based on predicted finish time and then when your group hits the base of the climb it's game on.  We were instructed to race up the hill.  So in my little group of 6 or 8, we got to mile 0, I lapped out and gave them about 20 seconds to get moving and when no one did I surged from the back and took off.

First ones to the Cookie Cabin!!  #allthefood

About a mile later, Coach Alyssa had pulled Lauren up to my wheel and deposited her there.  We were instructed to keep the pressure on, work together and alternate miles.  We rode together until somewhere around mile 10 and when I went to take the lead Lauren fell off the back.  Only I didn't realize it so I kept going... talking to myself this whole time.  At some point when I don't get a response, I glance back and see that she's gone.  I'm by myself.

So I continued to hammer the pace stopping only briefly to refill water at Windy Point.  I lapped out at the top of the climb, 3W shy of my all time best, and 3 minutes shy of my PR.

Top of Gates Pass with my Team HPB roomie, Alli!

2.  The day after run.

Camp ends on Monday with a long trail run.  It's more of an adventure run because inevitably you get lost in the desert and 14 miles ends up taking 3 hours.  It's tradition to meet for margaritas on Monday night at the JW Marriott and celebrate the fact that you survived.  After lunch on Monday everyone checks their training plans for the next day to coordinate meeting up for the 2-3k recovery swim.  Everyone's looking at their smartphones and deciding which flavor of margarita they're going to get drunk on.  Meanwhile I am looking at my smartphone and a single tear rolls down my face.

Lost in the desert.  #adventurerun

My plan says this:  12- mile build on river path as 3 easy-3 steady- 3 stronger-3 very strong.
this is not about being fast -it is about doing the best you can on tired legs #ultramantraining

Immediately I am feeling sorry for myself.  Where's my easy recovery swim?  Maybe camp was supposed to feel easy and I don't need recovery?  Then why don't I feel like it was easy??

It was a slippery slope and needless to say there were no margaritas for me that night.  My husband drank a few margaritas to numb his tired body, but opted to retire to our casita early with me so that he could sherpa my run the next morning.

12 mile progression run on tried legs.  #ultramanstrong

We got up early to hit the river path.  My first 2 miles were slow and stiff.  10:45, and 10:30 respectively.  And then the stiffness and soreness from 5 days of camp just melted away and each mile was progressively faster.  I tried to keep them in groups of 3 as I was instructed.  My second 3 miles were closer to 945.  My 3rd set of 3 was around 9 or just under.  My last 3 miles?  824, 813, 735.  Those miles were faster than my progression run after the Mt. Lemmon ride.  And the best part was I felt fantastic by the end.  Like I could run forever.  Tired + Strong= Happy Place

And I still got to do my recovery swim later that afternoon.

3.  THE Ultraman Planning meeting!

After my run along the river path I sat down with Hillary for a 2 hour planning session.  We talked about everything pertaining to Ultraman.  Logistics.  Race strategy.  Nutrition.  Crew strategy.  Clothing options.  Anything and everything that might be important.  We made lists.  We looked at course profiles online.  We went over it all.  I felt a lot better about everything afterwards because I actually had a plan in place.  Hillary also reviewed the calendar for the next 6 weeks and we discussed where we could put all my final BIG workouts so I have a plan in place.

Hillary looks very excited about my impending suffering.

4.  The Lemmon Double.

A mere 5 days later I found myself back in Tucson, this time to tackle the Mt. Lemmon double.  Hillary had a second camp taking place and she thought it would be a good idea for me to climb the mountain twice with some SAG support in place.

I woke up that morning to a 3 am alarm and felt like my brain had been peeled out of dreamland.  You know that feeling when you wake up after a night of drinking and you're not hungover, but actually still drunk?  That's how I felt.  Only there was no drinking involved.  I felt dizzy.  And weak.  And slightly nauseated.  I am 100% certain it was a combination of being slightly dehydrated and calorically deprived from the day before.

The whole way to Tucson I blasted Avril Lavigne and Ana Nallick, while pounding calories and caffeine in hopes that I would wake up.  I parked at Le Buzz and took off on my bike in the early morning darkness.  There was no one in sight.  It was quiet and peaceful and watching the sun rise over the mountain, casting light over the varied terrain was spectacular.

Unfortunately I didn't appreciate my surroundings for long, and soon I was in survival mode.  I felt like dirt.  I drank my bottles filled with the usual calories, and ate some food but nothing was helping.  I cried.  A lot.  But I kept going.  After what seemed like an eternity I made it to the top of the main climb.  I pulled into the Palisades Visitor Center parking lot.  I got off my bicycle and sat down on the curb.  And I cried.  I cried believing that I was not going to do the second lap.  I was going to descend the mountain, go back to my car, and drive home with my tail between my legs.  I ate some more calories, dried my face, and started down.

As luck would have it, Hillary's group was only at mile 1 of the climb when I passed on my way down. I shouted over "this is not happening" and she responded "yes it is. You're fine". I stopped at the bottom of the climb, cried some more, took off my winter descending gear, ate some more and turned my bike around to head back up. It was quite possibly the hardest decision I've ever made. My car was 4 (flat) miles away. My pillow and bed were a 2 hour drive away. And I turned around for another 5 hours on the mountain.

Smiling because I finally caught up with SAG on lap 2!

I started catching the slower riders within a couple of miles and SAG passed me at around mile 3 and my friend Lauren yelled some encouragement out the window-- I immediately burst into tears. I stopped for SAG at mile 6 and basically cried the entire time I was eating/ refilling water.  

After my second trip up I pretty much looked like a zombie.

And then I got back on my bike and kept pedaling uphill. My second lap was much stronger than my first. Having company was such a boost and I forced myself to take in calories every 20 minutes. I made it to the top and sat like a zombie while everyone slowly arrived.

Pit stop with Team HPB teammate, Colleen.

When it was time to go, Hillary biked with me to the top of the climb out and then I descended alone. By the time I finished I was crying again, but not because I was feeling bad, but because I actually finished the ride when everything in me wanted to quit. Physically I've done way worse workouts/ races... but mentally-- major demons were conquered.

Here is what I learned. It is 100% mental. All of it. I was convinced that I had contracted the flu and that's why I felt so shitty on the first lap. I felt dizzy, weak, completely miserable. That ALL went away when I had calories in me and company on the road.

Mt. Lemmon Double:  second time up.

These are the instructions I told my crew that night after eating an entire pizza and sitting on the sofa for an hour:    No matter how many times I tell you I'm finished, I'm not finished. You can let me cry as long as I keep going. Tears felt like the only response my body had after a certain point. Please do not be afraid if I cry. Everything else felt like autopilot. Second lap up, I literally felt like a robot, programmed to do only what HPB told me to do. I had no feelings or emotions other than hunger/ thirst.

I know I am in very capable hands in 5 weeks.  I have tried to share as much of this journey with my crew as possible so that not only do they feel more a part of it, but they also know what I've been through.  And at mile 150 when I still have more than an hour to go on day 2, and 12 hours on day 3, they can remind me of The Lemmon Double.  

5.  Swimming with my paddler.

A few weeks ago we got an email from the assistant race director.  They "strongly encouraged" us to have one of our own crew members be our paddler during the swim.  Of course I immediately have a panic attack because a) I live in the desert b) none of my crew kayaks c) we are less than 7 weeks from race day.  I simultaneously messaged my entire crew/ cheer squad on our private FB page and emailed the assistant RD.  After a few hours, and many, many emails (Thank you, Dayle!!!) I finally came to the decision to do a test run with one of my cheer squad members.  

Marsha is one of my closest friends and when everyone was commenting on my post with "this is not ideal, but we'll do it" type of response she sent me a private text message explaining her background on the water, her comfort level, and her desire to be my kayaker.  Instantly I felt calmed by her confidence.  We set up a date to borrow a kayak from my colleague and take a practice run in Saguaro Lake.  

We were made for each other.  She tested my ability to follow the kayak by steering this way and that way.  I never had to pick up my head once because I could just breathe to my right and she was right there.  I could adjust my position based on how close I was to the kayak and didn't have to worry at all about where I was going.  I ended up swimming about 3/4 mile farther than I should have because I was just in my zen place.  

1 paddler + 1 swimmer + 1 kayak= fun morning on the lake!

And so ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce my 4th and final crew member, promoted from cheer captain!!  (Blog interview coming!!)

6.  10k is the new 5k.

I love swimming and I'm always anxious to see what type of long swims I have coming my way.  The 10k I've been doing lately looks like this:

Warm up: 1500 (specific set but not relevant to this post...)

5 times through this main set:

5 x 100 @ 1:25, 

500 swim for time

500 PBB cruise (so not totally easy, but not race pace)

Cool down:  1000 (specific set)

What I love is that even when I'm at 8k, I can hit my 100s on 1:25 no problem, and my 500s for time were on a 1:22 pace.  That is the benefit of Ultraman training.  During IM training, a 30 x 100 on 1:25 would have put me on the couch for 2 hours.  Now, it's like, whatever, I've been through worse.   I love these long, challenging sets.  I will be a little sad when Ultraman is over.  I might beg to do a 10k once a month just for fun.  :)

7.  Oceanside 70.3

The week of Oceanside we backed off the training just a touch to try to rest my legs for the race.  Even up to race morning I just didn't feel like I had much to give.  I texted my #bff and told her "I don't want to race today.  I want to stay in bed.  I am racing.  I just wanted to say how I really feel."  To which she responded with "LOL!"  Not exactly the sympathy I was looking for.  

I went through the whole pre-race routine and by the time we lined up for the swim start I was like, whatever, it'll be a short training day.  The swim was nothing special, but when I got onto my bike I felt so. fucking. strong.  Ridiculous strong.  Ultraman strong.

Representing Smash-Dimond:  we are STRONG!

I was pushing higher watts than I've ever been able to before in a 70.3, but yet never felt like I was going to blow up.  I could just keep going forever.  My legs were burning, for sure, but it's that tired + strong feeling that you probably only understand if you're doing the kind of training that would push your legs into that zone.  I can imagine it's what a ultrarunner feels like when he lines up for a half marathon.  It is the best feeling ever and if I wasn't so tired right now I might entertain the idea of another Ultraman in my future.  I LOVE this training.  I am eating it up.

Back to Oceanside.  When I got off my bike I had no idea what my run legs were going to look like.  But it was more of the same.  I felt SO STRONG.  I clicked off the first couple of miles a little too fast (like usual) and then settled into my planned pace for the run.  And I just stayed there.  It was amazing.  I've never felt like this in a race before.  I've had good races before but never a race where I was doing this well and felt so comfortable being so uncomfortable.  Ultraman training has definitely taken the ability to suffer to an entirely different level.  And it is so exciting.  

Photo courtesy of @tpspates :  Oceanside run course.

With the rolling start it was about an hour before I finally believed that I had actually won my age group.  There could always be someone who starts 20 minutes behind me in the swim and races faster.  So I waited and waited and the little number 1 next to my name on the Ironman tracker didn't change!!  I've been on the podium in Oceanside before, in 4th and in 2nd.  But this was my first ever age group win!  

And the best part about it was how great my body felt in the days after the race.  There was no soreness.  I was tired, like sleepy tired, but no measurable fatigue.  And when I did my first 30 minute jog a couple days later there was no requisite 10 minutes for my legs to feel like they weren't filled with lead.  I just felt normal.  Like I was going for an easy run.  My body is absorbing, recovering, and adapting, over and over, and it feels amazing.  

Photo courtesy of @smashfestqueen :  Our Smash-Dimond Team kits!!! LOVE!

8.  The final countdown.

Before I go, I want to share the second half of the interview that was recorded by Renee Hodges of Foundation Physical Therapy.  She and several of her athletes were racing in Oceanside last weekend too!  Always great to see them out on course working hard!  Click HERE to open the video!  The first half was shared in my last post-- so scroll down if you missed it and you can find the link there.  

I have 35 days left before I am lined up on the beach in Noosa ready to swim 10km, bike 420 km, and run 84.3 km.  I have 24 days before I board my flight.  I have 3 LONG rides left to do, one trip to the Grand Canyon, and one 50km training run.  I am trying to savor every single day because the time is slipping by so quickly.  It seems like just yesterday that I was nervously submitting my application to the Ultraman Australia team, when in reality it was 9 months ago.... (before Kona!)  And I know that if I blink my crew and I will be sitting at the awards banquet on May 16th and it will all be over.  I am excited and terrified, and hopeful, and grateful, and tired, and strong, and ready.  I am ready to be part of the Ultraman Ohana.  I am ready to do work, Kokua, to give everything that I have and all of my heart to this adventure that lies ahead of me.  I am ready to find my Aloha on the eastern coast of Australia.