Friday, October 13, 2017

High Vibe Retreat: Immersion

I sat in the meditation circle listening to Jess talk.  She speaks from a place of knowledge and passion.  She talks about yoga and it's 8 limbs, and how mindfulness and meditation fit into the yogi lifestyle.  She talks about different gurus and their philosophies.  My mind starts to wander and I think, if Dan was hearing this right now I can only imagine what he would say.  I can almost hear him complaining about the new age this and that and just as I'm about to slip down the rabbit hole Jess says something and my mind makes an instant connection to my experience with EMDR 2 years ago.  And in that moment I take a deep breath, and relax, and dive fully into the deep blue waters that are offered 
before me.  I immerse.  


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Yoga for athletes!

2 years ago I enrolled myself in therapy.  I was not suicidal but I wanted to hurt myself to make the emotional pain I was experiencing stop.  I didn't want to feel this way and I didn't want to take drugs to numb myself.  As fate would have it I was referred to the best possible match for me at the time and my therapist recommended a type of therapy called EMDR.  Prior to starting EMDR, my therapist took a thorough history and identified multiple events/ times in my life when I felt ashamed... worthless... humiliated.... (all things that I associated with my previous husband and our subsequent divorce which I had not dealt with since our relationship dissolved in 2004).  During the physical process of EMDR, I would follow the movement of lights on a board with my eyes while focusing my thoughts on one particular memory.  After a few moments, she would stop the movement and I would say whatever came to my mind.  Sometimes my thoughts made sense.  Other times my thoughts were completely random and seemingly unrelated to what I was supposed to be focusing on.  It was very, very simple.  Over time, it was almost like watching a movie of my life in reverse.

In the process of this very simple exercise I was able to remove the emotional attachment to the memories that I had, and store them differently in my subconscious.  You don't turn bad memories into good memories, but I don't have to be haunted by them for the rest of my life.  And this is in essence what meditation allows you to do.  Instead of following lights on a board, you sit in stillness with your eyes closed, but by focusing on your breathing or a simple mantra, you are able to clear your mind, remove attachment to various experiences, and CHOOSE how you want to respond to those thoughts.   This is a very simple example but I tend to have a very reactive personality.  If someone cuts me off in traffic or pulls out in front of me I get pissed off and start yelling.  Through the process of meditation and mindfulness, you start to gain awareness, you start to realize that when these events happen it's not about ME, I can pause, take a breath and choose how I want to feel.  If I want to feel angry and scream, then fine.  But if I want to let it go, because it's really NOT about me, then I can do that too.  Crazy, right?

It's not about being fearless, it's about changing your relationship with fear.  

The other thing that my therapist had me do (prior to starting EMDR) was to create a "happy place".  I was to pick a place that I loved.  I chose the top of Snow Valley Peak overlooking Lake Tahoe.  With my eyes closed I could smell the crispness of a mountain summer and scent of trees in the air.  I could feel the chill of the wind whipping against my skin.  I could hear the wind, the only sound in the engulfing silence so high above civilization.  I could see the crystal blue waters of Lake Tahoe over my right shoulder as I stood looking down the trail in front of me.  I could taste the water from my hydration pack as the icy water slid down the back of my throat.

This is the perfect example of mindfulness.  Being fully aware of something, fully present in a moment.  In every day life, being mindful might mean that in a moment of fear, anger, hurt, or even joy- you take a step back, take in all that is going on including your reaction, and see that experience without judgement.  By removing the desire to judge how you're feeling or responding to something, you can assess what is truly happening and choose how you want to feel/ respond.  I assure you this is not always easy, but it's very simple. 

Yoga on the beach.



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Jess:  What are you bringing here this weekend?  

Me:  Well, I'm fine now, because, well, I'm training again and everyone is qualifying for Kona and so I'm, like, super pumped and motivated but, well, after Kona and Australia, I just couldn't connect with a goal.  When I contacted you in June I was feeling a little lost and well, ....

J:  What do you mean lost?  What were you feeling when you were training for Ultraman that you are no longer feeling?  

Me:  Well.... I guess I got to this point in April where I felt so strong.  Like invincible.  And I was so tired, but I could do anything.  And I had this amazing support system that came to Australia and I had to learn to be vulnerable, and rely on them for basically everything.  And it was this amazing experience.  And I guess when I came back from that and jumped back into normal life, only with not a lot of training, and no real goal in mind... I just...

J:  What did you feel?  

Me:  Restless.  Like, everyone is doing stuff because it's summer and everyone is out training and racing and I'm just sitting at home running, like, 10 miles a week, and biking maybe a hundred.  And I get it, I have to let the body heal, blah blah blah, but....

J:  And what's the opposite of restless?

Me:  Contentment.

J:  Mmmmm.  (smiling)  And what else?

Me:  Well, I talked to BJ this morning on our bike ride, but I feel like all my self doubt stems from fear.  Fear of being hit by a car on the bike.  Fear of failure.  Fear that I'm not good enough.

J:  And what's the opposite of fear? 

Me:  Joy.

J:  Mmmmm.  (smiling again)  
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Mindfulness session with Jess.

This is not an exact quotation of how our conversation went, but my first mindfulness session with Jess at my High Vibe Retreat was revealing.  Jess guided the conversation, educated me on what it meant to live mindfully and ultimately challenged me to replace fear and restlessness with joy and contentment when I saw them in my thoughts.  

When I entered the High Vibe Retreat (HVR) I had zero experience with meditation, and limited experience with mindfulness.  I had practiced the physical part of yoga, but not the spiritual or mental aspects of yoga.  I tried to go in with an open mind, prepared to be uncomfortable and challenged.  And I was.  On such a deeper level than I expected.  

Between conversations with Jess, often while preparing meals or sitting in our meditation circle, I rode my bike for 4 1/2 hours with BJ and we swam in the local, sun-drenched pool which was heaven and ran along the coastline.  BJ was a good sounding board because it was during our physical activity that my brain would be free of distractions and start to process the things that Jess was teaching.  I would ask him questions and in a safe space was able to explore my issues with fear and restlessness.  The "aha!" moments often occurred hours or sometimes days after information was initially presented.

Heading out to ride bikes!

When we arrived at our hotel at the start of the week, there was a care package waiting for us from BJ and Jess.  We each got a journal and began writing in it that weekend.  One of the activities that we were assigned was something called "Judge Thy Neighbor".  We were supposed to set a timer for 10 minutes and choose one person that we had a beef with and just let it all go in the journal.  Hold nothing back.  We did this exercise one evening before bed.  When we finished, Rachel and I both had this feeling of, well, yuckiness.  Like we didn't want to go to sleep with all that negativity.  We speculated that this was a way for us to get something off our minds without actually confronting that person.

The next day, we were given a second assignment.  To randomly choose 3 statements from our "Judge Thy Neighbor" rant and to answer the questions:  1.  Is this statement true?  2.  How do I feel when I think this?  3.  Who would I be without this thought?  In doing the second part of this exercise you start to realize that often your judgments are unfounded, and based out of fear, jealousy, or hurt.  This lifted a little burden and you begin to see that you really CAN let go of things and it will be for the better.  What IF I didn't feel this way about so-and-so?  Well, it would be pretty darn amazing, actually.

Later we were given part 3 of the assignment.  Turn the statements back around at YOU.  This is where the exercise becomes mind-blowing.  All 3 of the statements, with my name in place of the girl I was judging exposed all of MY fears, self doubts, feelings of unworthiness about myself.  My mouth literally gaped in disbelief as I made this realization.  I didn't have to go on disliking this person because it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me.

So what do you do with this information?  Well, if you're me, you start to lean into that discomfort zone a little and explore your doubts and fears a little more.  Because by doing so you can process what is real, what is imagined, and what you want to reframe in your subconscious.  Negative is not going to magically become positive, but by removing my attachment I can remain neutral.  Calm, in other words.                

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I don't know if this makes you more or less confused about what actually went on at the High Vibe Retreat.  If you're not willing to get uncomfortable and explore your thoughts and feelings, this probably isn't for you (even though it might be exactly what you need!).  But if you're ready to push that boundary I highly recommend it.  

We spent our time learning to sit quietly in meditation, practicing yoga on the beach (or in a studio), biking, swimming, running, preparing meals together, all the while exploring our thoughts, feelings, reactions, emotions.  It was intense, and relaxing, and unhurried, and challenging.  BJ and Jess are living their purpose and their excitement is contagious.  I'm already planning my next High Vibe Retreat. 

Namaste.
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If you're interested in exploring meditation and mindfulness further but aren't sure how to get started, check out the YogiTriathlete website HERE.  Even if you're not ready for a retreat of your own, you can start with one-on-one virtual sessions with Jess.  It's not easy, but it's very simple.   

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Finding Kona: Staying the Course

I have been noticeably absent from writing this summer and I think it's combination time is escaping me and I was struggling with the lack of sunshine and rainbows.  Over the last few months I've had multiple conversations/ reminders from Hillary that what I'm feeling is normal and not to lose sight of reality.  So here's the reality check:

1.  I remember nailing my 12 mile run the day after spring camp ends, when everyone else was sleeping in and enjoying a little recovery swim.  What I forget is that when I found out I had a 12 mile progression run after 5 days of destroying myself I threw the biggest pity party known to man.  Complete with tears.  #notsunshineandrainbows

2.  I remember the feeling of pride after completing the Mt. Lemmon double.  I felt invincible.  I forget crying on the side of the road at Palisades 3 hours into the ride because I was sure there was no way I could finish the double.  And if I hadn't seen Hillary and her group heading up as I descended the mountain I likely would have gone back to my car, tucked my tail between my legs, and driven home defeated.  #notsunshineandrainbows

3.  I remember being so so tired in April, but so fucking strong.  No matter what she threw at me, the hardest part of my day was getting out of bed.  I did not nail every single workout.  But I finished every single thing she asked me to do and I believe that I was rewarded with my (tired + strong) happy place because of it.

The other thing that I've struggled with is the connection with my goal.  The spiritual connection.  The "it" factor.  That one little piece of the puzzle that drives you, keeps you engaged.  Pursuing Kona for so long, and then finally being able to make that dream a reality, and then rolling straight into Ultraman, which is like #findingkona on steroids... you can imagine the difficulty coming down from that high.  I have struggled since May to connect with a "normal" goal.  To feel satisfied in doing normal things.  I didn't realize how much I was getting on an emotional and spiritual level chasing these goals for the last 4 years.  I imagine it's like summiting Everest and then getting back to base camp wondering, what's next?  There are no higher mountains left to climb.

Thankfully that's not exactly true with triathlon, there's always another goal.  Another race.  A faster time.  Higher watts.  A faster swim.  But taking a step back from Ultraman has been, well... disappointing.  I crave that strong + tired feeling from 5 months ago.  I crave that little bit of fear of the unknown.  Prior to Ultraman I told Hillary that if I was going to race UM, and then be too burnt out to race another Ironman I didn't want to do it.  What I didn't realize at the time is that while I would feel physically fine after Ultraman, mentally it would be more challenging to toe the line in something LESS that Ultraman.  And thus far I've avoided doing so.  I joined my sister for a 3 day half marathon series.  I raced the inaugural Alaskaman Extreme Triathlon.  But it's nearly October and right now I'm not even close to obtaining All World Athlete status for next year.

But knowing that I DO want to go back to Kona again, I had to do something to change this mindset.  I reached out to a friend of mine, Jess the YogiTriathlete, and asked her if I could come live in her world for a few days.  Jess and her husband, BJ, incorporate yoga, meditation and mindfulness into their daily triathlon and running training.  They coach athletes and Jess does online meditation instruction as part of this, but I hoped that by leaving my world behind for a few days, and immersing myself in their culture that I could learn to connect with my goals in a new way.  Bring some fresh vision and life to my dreams.  Be all in for those few days so that I can be all in when I line up to race my first Ironman of the year in 6 weeks.

So next week I will embark on my High Vibe Retreat.  Aside from swim, bike and run training with BJ, I will have daily meditation sessions and yoga on the beach with Jess.  In addition we will prepare most meals together in their plant based kitchen.  My good friend, Rachel, is flying in from Iowa to join me for this most amazing journey.  I have watched her embrace life's ups and downs over the last year and I thought, who better to join me on this adventure?  It would be my dream to one day take my whole tribe for a High Vibe Retreat weekend, but for now, the one on one attention that Rachel and I will receive is what's needed.

We're heading out a few days early so I can do some training with my fellow Team HPB mate and my coach.  And we'll soak up some salty sea air and sunshine while we're at it.  I'm sure there will be plenty of updates on Instagram and I'll be back to recap after the retreat!  Happy training!   

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Finding Aloha to Finding Kona: Alaskaman Bridges the Gap

My husband remarked a while back that 2017 was the year of epic adventures.  And this has certainly been true thus far.

After Ultraman, I had a girls weekend planned with my sister in June.  She is doing the 50-states marathon thing and found a race that put on 3 marathons in 3 days in Idaho, Wyoming, and Utah.  I signed up to go with her (mostly just to get valuable time alone with my sis) and at that last minute, changed my registration from the marathon series to the half marathon series because I knew that my post-Ultraman legs could not handle 3 marathons just yet.

Bear Lake Half Marathon day 1:  Idaho

We met in SLC and drove up to Bear Lake, chatting and catching up the whole way.  She has 2 boys- 2 and 3 years old, and works a full time job, so it's rare for me to have time with her-- let alone 4 days of having her all to myself!  

At this same time our other sister was in the process of being diagnosed with invasive ductular carcinoma.... breast cancer.  She called me to tell me the results of her routine mammogram earlier in the week, and she was scheduled for more testing that Friday (day 2 of the race series).  She called us that afternoon to go over the results from the second round of imaging.  In all honesty, it was nice to be in a quiet space with my younger sister when we received the news and could start processing it.  I went through every range of emotions you could think of, and I can't even imagine what our older sister was feeling.  

I felt angry.  How could she have cancer?  She is 17 months my senior.  She's too young and too healthy for cancer.  She eats organic and clean and she exercises but not excessively.  I felt guilty.  She has 3 kids between 8-12 years of age.  They NEED her.  Why couldn't it be me instead?  I felt overwhelming fear and sadness at the thought of the treatments she could be facing.  I could wrap my head around surgery.  As difficult as it was to picture her with scars wrapping her body,  I could not even contemplate chemotherapy.  

Bear Lake Marathon series with Lil Sis.

As I ran the final day of the race series, I slipped my ear buds in because I needed a distraction from the endless thoughts in my head.  Blake Shelton's Mine Would be You came on half way through my playlist and when he got to the verse where he sings, What's the one thing you'd rather die than lose?  Mine would be you, I nearly lost it.  That verse summed up how I felt about the entire situation and over the remaining miles I resolved to do whatever I could to help my sister fight this.  This did not have to be a death sentence.  It is something she has to deal with very aggressively, but there are plenty of women who are surviving this disease every day.  Back at the hotel that night I started researching the various types and stages of cancer so that I could ask good questions and be informed when she described her doctor's recommendations.    

I was at Cadence Running Company getting a little bit of work done before the Tuesday evening group run when she called me with her biopsy results.  I made it through the conversation but when I put the phone down I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  I had been holding out hope that maybe it would be benign or maybe they had made a mistake and there wasn't really anything there.  Having an official diagnosis made it real.  We thought about canceling our trip to Alaska.  But in the end my sister's radical mastectomy was scheduled for the end of July so we decided to go ahead with it.  Our hotel was non-refundable, and even though I had insurance on the rest of it, I really was looking forward to being away and in the mountains.

I wrote about our experience in the Smashfest Diaries.  You can read about them HERE.  When I signed us up for the race a year ago, I overheard on of my co-workers talking about how she and her soon to be husband wanted to go to Alaska one day, but with the wedding and the honeymoon she thought it would be a while.  I thought what perfect timing.  They are young, fit people that could easily hike 7 miles up a mountain with us.  I would be booking our hotels anyway, so they could just stay with us, saving a little money.  So I proposed the idea of being our crew to Christa and she went home and talked it over with her now-husband, Roy.  When she said yes a few days later I was so excited and we started making travel plans.

As the day got closer we met to go over some basics about the race and logistics.  To be honest, being the first year, I didn't have a lot of wisdom to share.  But I knew enough about self supported races from Ultraman that it actually ran very smoothly.

Seward, Alaska


Alaska ended up being just what I needed.  It was insanely beautiful.  If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times.  There are ocean people and there are mountain people.  I am a mountain girl.  Not that I don't love the ocean and the beach, but the mountains speak to my soul.  In the mountains I am me... I am home... I feel free.

Practice swim with Team HPB teammate Taryn.

On the days leading up to the inaugural Alaskaman Extreme Triathlon we swam a little in Resurrection Bay, biked the path that paralleled the highway, and relaxed with the gorgeous scenery just outside our hotel window.  I love Colorado, and the mountains of California, but Alaska is untouched.  It's beauty is pristine and pure in a way you just don't see in the lower 48.  It was breathtaking but I felt like I could breathe.

On Alyeska property.  Just a momma bear strollin.

It started raining on Friday morning before race day and didn't stop until we were halfway to Girdwood on the 111 mile bike course.  On race morning we racked our bikes in transition, donned our wetsuits and hopped on the shuttle to the swim start.  There was a fog blanketing the mountains and the bay, and we were told to sight off of the bright lights of the fire trucks 2.6 miles in the distance.

Pre race.

We had to tread water for about 5 minutes before the gun went off and I started shivering in the cold water.  It took a few minutes for me to warm up once we got moving.  I saw two guys pull way ahead at the start of the swim and after a few minutes I settled into a comfortable pace with another guy.  We basically had our own kayaker all the way through the swim because we were far enough ahead of the next group back.  Half way through we passed the part of the bay where a glacial waterfall empties into the ocean.  The temperatures dropped significantly and I went from being fairly comfortable to being numb and very cold.  I started to feel like I was not making forward progress and almost stopped to ask the kayaker if I was still moving.  My perspective never changed as we were swimming so it was very difficult to tell.  Eventually I did reach the far shore and was able to pull myself upright to get out of the water.  My feet, hands and face were numb so it was impossible to talk and I had zero dexterity.  I was glad to see I wasn't the only one with extremely slow transition times.

Out of the water 4th overall, 1st female.
I changed out of my swim suit into completely dry clothes to start the bike, even though it was still raining a bit.  The air temp was in the 60s so it really wasn't that cold once I got moving, but it took a good 10 miles for my body to defrost.  Christa was able to start her job of crew at mile 30 of the bike ride so from there until about mile 70 I gradually peeled off layers to hand off when we exchanged bottles.

Scenes from the bike course.

My body felt great for about 50 miles, and good enough for a total of 70.  After that my lack of training over the previous 6 weeks became evident as my body started to fatigue.  I had plenty of endurance to handle the miles, but my body wasn't used to being in aero that long and my neck and back started to let me know.

My gem, enhanced by the backdrop.

Thankfully the final 25 miles of the bike ride I had the aid of a nice tailwind so it made that final hour fly by.  I was ready to be off the bike, but didn't want to give up the incredible views I had been enjoying.  We had to carry our phones on the course for emergency purposes and it took everything I had not to stop and take pictures along the way.  I kept telling Christa, make sure you are taking photos!

DB and his gem.

I pulled into transition and a volunteer brought me over a chair to sit in while I got into my run gear.  Being self supported meant that you had to carry your own food/ water during the run leg.  Our first aid station would be at mile 14.5, so I had a hydration pack with 1.5 liters of water, and enough gels to get through at least the first 20 miles.  As I stood up to leave transition, my husband (who never caught me on the bike because he had to change a flat 4 times) rolled in.  I waited for him as he pulled on his run shoes and we headed out of transition together.  I kept telling him not to wait for me, I didn't want to hold him up.  But he assured me that he didn't really care about his time-- he had lost 30 minutes on the side of the bike course so he was well out of contention for a prize at that point.

Running up one of the many hills toward Alyeska.

It was so nice to have him there.  We ran and talked about life, and goals, and racing.  We enjoyed the views and talked about the wildlife we wish we had seen.  Pretty soon, our first 20 miles were up and we met up with Christa and Roy to start the final leg of the journey- the 7+ mile hike up Mt. Alyeska.

This was by far the highlight of the day.  The course we took was so steep.  25% grade we were told by the race director.  It was relentless but the view that unfolded as we made our way to the top took our breath away.  It had warmed up when the rain stopped, and with the humidity I was actually getting pretty warm.  I was thankful to be on the mountain and climbing in cooler temps.

View from the top.  Only 4 miles to go!

We stopped in one of the snowfields and threw a few snowballs.  We soaked our hats in a creek filled with snowmelt.  And when we came to one that was too wide for us to jump across, we plunged right through, the icy cold water stinging our feet.  I wanted to savor this time and take as much as I could from our adventure.

We got to the top of the first climb and there was a narrow ridgeline we had to traverse before descending back down.  The 360 degree view from the ridgeline was nothing short of awe inspiring.  We took a few photos and started the equally steep descent back to the lodge.

Savoring the moments and the views.

At the bottom we regrouped and started the final climb up the North Face of the mountain.  This was my favorite stretch of trail as there were build in steps and switchbacks.  I was able to get into a good rhythm and power up the hill.  At the top I stopped to wait for Dan and he grabbed my hand as he went by and we finished the final switchback hand-in-hand before we crossed the finish line.  Christa and Roy took video and a few pics.  We didn't linger long at the top because we were starving and it was getting a little bit chilly.

Christa and I at the finish line!
The next morning we went to the awards banquet and brunch.  I was happily surprised to receive the award for the Overall Masters Female (over 40 division).  I had hoped to be able to take home a coveted mining pan but I wasn't sure where I had finished among the women.  I believe I was 7th overall out of only 26 women that finished.

Overall Master's Female.

We relaxed during the day, lounging in bed late and biking in the afternoon down the bike path.  On Monday we swam in the resort pool and when I was on deck after our dip showering off, a bear walked through the property just outside the window.  It was the second bear we had seen on the property and made our trip complete.

The resort pool.  #nofilter

Arriving home I felt refreshed and ready to get to work helping my sister fight her battle.  I rearranged my work schedule to allow me to fly home for 10 days to be with her in the immediate post op period.  I knew her husband needed to continue to work as much as possible (medical bills don't pay themselves!) And I knew my parents couldn't manage taking care of my sis and her very active kids at the same time.  Either of those jobs is a full time job.

I arrived home late Thursday last week.  We drove down the block from my parents to my sister's house on Friday morning to wish her well before surgery.  Her kids were still in bed sleeping and it was all very rushed as she had to check into the hospital for a dye study prior to the actual surgical procedure.  But it was good we didn't linger because I had been choking back tears for 24 hours by that time and we just needed to get the ball rolling.

Family fun day on the trace.

Friday was the longest day ever.  My parents and I took the 3 kids to the "trace" as we call it, an old rails-to-trails biking and running path that runs for over 70 miles, with the western terminus only minutes from our house.  4 of them biked, and I ran with one of my nephews.  We ran and biked to distract ourselves.  We ran and biked to drown ourselves in sweat because if we didn't do that, we might reach for a less healthy distraction.  Throughout the day we got updates from her husband who spent all day and night at the hospital with her.  7 hours of surgery and it was done.  We prayed that the cancer had been completely removed from her body.  We prayed that she would have a fast and smooth recovery.  We prayed that she would continue to be the positive beacon of faith and hope that she had been over the previous 6 weeks.

My sister is recovering beautifully.  After a sleepless night in the hospital she was released to come home on Saturday evening, 24 hours post op.  The first 24 hours at home were a little rough.  She was uncomfortable, and still feeling negative effects from the anesthesia.  She moved slowly and mostly napped off an on in the privacy of her own bedroom.  As I was helping her get ready for bed I did get her laughing and it was good to see a glimpse of her true light.

Today, day 2, she is a whole new person.  She's been out walking the neighborhood and hanging out with the kids.  We've been laughing more and enjoying the dark humor in all of the things she is dealing with during recovery.  I have no doubt she is ahead of the curve on this whole process.



She'll have biopsy results back at her 2 week post op recheck.  Then she'll meet with the oncologist in another couple of weeks after that to determine the rest of her plan.  I was afraid of chemotherapy and radiation before.  But now I know she's strong enough to handle anything that comes her way.  And I hope to prove my value this week and be invited back to help out when she needs it in the next phase of treatment.

Prior to coming home I expressed my worry about being brave enough to my friend Jackie, who is a 10 year survivor, and she told me you have courage in buckets.  And I guess she's right.  When you don't have a choice in the matter, you just find a way to make it through.  And we could be negative, and feel sorry for my sister.  Or we can dig deep into our buckets of courage and find a way to laugh, and love, and go on living every day to the fullest.

Since Ultraman ended I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last couple of years.  It is completely normal to go through the post race blues, and as you can imagine, they are a thousand times worse after something so amazing as Ultraman.  In the last 4 years I have been tied to one single goal and that pursuit filled me up and satisfied me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I didn't just give my time and energy to #findingkona, I was completely invested in every sense.  The journey fulfuilled my spiritual needs as I was connected with the goal and the process.

Ultraman took that to the next level, shepherding me from the finish line in Kona to the beach in Australia over an incredible 6 month journey.  The triple half and Alaskaman also fed my needs while helping me gradually return to a normal life.  But what next?

After Alaska, I decided to pull out of Wisconsin.  I need a little more time to be ready to go after my next goal for 2018, and the thought of slogging through a 12 hour Ironman race just to get another medal didn't align with my 2017 year of amazing challenges.  I am recovered enough physically, but we've been careful not to overdo anything in the aftermath of Ultraman.  So I'm taking a step back, and a step into more consistent training.  And looking forward to back-to-back races at the end of the year, which DOES align with my 2017 year of challenges!                    

And in case you missed it, I sat down with Jess of the Yogi Triathlete Podcast two weeks after Kona to talk about the journey.  You can listen to that HERE.  Jess and I have been friends since 2008, and like any long distance relationship we often go months without any sort of communication.  But I feel like Jess was dropped into my life this year to help me with the transition from this 4 year pursuit of Kona into the next phase of #findingkona.  If you're not already a YTP fan, you need to get on board, and listening to just 1 or 2 podcasts interviews is all it takes to realize how yoga and mindfullness have enhanced her triathlon life.  I practiced visualization leading up to Ironman Arizona in 2015 and I think I drifted away from that once I achieved my goal of qualifying for Kona.  I am ready to bring that back into my life and take it to the next level to help me achieve the goals I have for next year which include qualifying to race the Ironman World Championship 2018, and applying for the Ultraman World Championship 2018.  

Friday, June 16, 2017

Ultraman Australia Part 2: Filling in the Gaps

These are a few of the questions people have asked about my Ultraman (UM) experience.  They are in no particular order.  And if you missed the Smashfest Diaries Q/A you can catch up HERE.

How much open water swim training did you do?

Does Ironman California 70.3 in April count as training?  I don't do open water swim training.  I am a confident swimmer and generally don't have problems being in open water.  I race well in open water because I am competitive.  But if I swim in open water outside of competition I'm rather lazy.  So I feel that putting in serious work in the pool prepares me better for race conditions.

Do you wish you had done a 10k swim in the ocean prior to UM?

Sure, having some ocean swimming under my belt would probably have made me faster in those conditions.  But I live in the desert.  The nearest ocean is 6 hours away and it's not feasible for me to make that drive frequently for training purposes.  And in reality, by the time we hit the point in training where it would have been beneficial (ie: the final 8 weeks) I was too exhausted for it to have been considered safe for me to drive 6 hours in a car by myself.

Swimming in the ocean doesn't bother me.  Yes, it's much different than a lake/ river, but I've swum ocean races before and felt confident, strong, safe, etc.  I wasn't overly worried about the swim.

How did pool training prepare you to swim that distance?

Well, we did a lot of long hard interval workouts.  And just like for IM distance, my 10k swim sets were basically swum right on the time that I wanted to hold for UM.  I was getting out of the pool after 10k in 2:38-2:42 so I felt that was going to be my ballpark.  I was hoping for anything under 2:45.

I had plenty of 4-5k swims, but my weekly long swims were what really got me ready.  I remember my first 7k interval swim and I got out of the pool and my arms were shaking it was that difficult.  I thought, if I feel like this after 7k, how the heck am I going to feel after 10k?  But Hillary knows what she's doing and we built up to hard 10k swims every other week.  I definitely felt prepared and ready for the swim.

Here's the deal... In running, everyone's familiar with intervals, and tempo runs, and long runs, and race pace runs.  It's no different swimming-- you have sprint swims, tempo swims, long strength building swims, and race pace swims.  When I train for IM, I have 4k race pace swims that are something like 30 x 100 yards on 1:25.  These swims give me so much anxiety because on a good day I'm getting 2-3 seconds rest.  On a bad day I'm touching the wall and pushing off.  But you do this over and over and over and you make all the intervals and you realize, ok, I really CAN hold this pace for 2.4 miles.  Ultraman swim training was very similar only a lot more band only and longer sets on short rest... like 15 x 300 meters on 4:40 as the mainset in a 7500 meter swim.

** And just to clear up any confusion, I have access to both yard and meter pools and depending on the time of day and how long the swim will take determines which pool I use.  :)

What was your key prep for the swim?

I was averaging 20-23k per week in the pool, with a hard 10k swim every other week.  I think the combination of volume and the long, hard swims prepared me perfectly for the swim.  The only thing I will do differently is eat more during the swim next time around.  I was fine during the swim leg, but when I got on the bike I was hungry for the first 2 hours and felt like I was playing catch up.

What did your training look like?

I was averaging 20-24 hours per week training.  Each week was different as far as the type of workouts but there were a lot of IM to Half IM power intervals on the bike.  Hard trainer rides with short intervals.  Group rides each week with a couple of sustained uphill chases.  3 hours became the new 90 min easy recovery ride.  And then there were some back to back long rides and long rides followed by long progression runs.  There were a couple of 50k runs- one on trails, and one on road.  There were some trail runs and interval runs and treadmill runs-- both long and faster than race pace.  Swimming consisted of both hard interval swims and long, strength building sets.

What was key prep for the run?

Well, I think the most important run training I did were the 50k runs and the long progression runs at the end of a hard block of training.  I got to a point in training where I felt so tired all the time, but I could go out and run and hold my pace forever.  I felt so strong.  I really think the years of endurance training and then the specific work we were doing allowed me to feel so good throughout.  I have never worked so hard in training, and loved training so much as I did in the last 12 weeks before the race.  Seeing what my body was capable of was amazing and felt so rewarding.  I kept thinking, if I come off of this, absorb, and gain fitness from the race, Ironman is going to feel so easy.

How did you prepare for big training days?

Just like any big Ironman training day.  I tried to have my bottles filled the night before, nutrition packed.  Gear laid out.  Make sure everything on my bike was ready to go- no unexpected flat tires, all my tools where they needed to be.  Follow my nutrition plan so that I was properly fueled, hydrated.  And then make sure I get a good night's rest.  I had a couple of big workouts that I had SAG support for, so I made sure we had all the food and drinks prepped and ready to go into the cooler.  Made sure there was gas in the car, and a detailed map for my support person.

What was your nutrition like in training?

I have been working with Katie of OWN Nutrition for about 18 months now.  So daily nutrition is pretty dialed in.  She writes my plan every week and I follow it.  Lots of big salads.  That's what I craved.  Near the end I did get a little tired of eating all the time-- chewing just became so exhausting so we added some more smoothies into the mix.  Lots of greens and fruit, nut butter, chia seeds, etc packed into the NutriBullet.

During training the only thing I did different from IM training was take in solids on the bike.  In UM having solid foods on day 1 and 2 goes a long way toward helping the body sustain and last through the stress of all 3 days.  So in training I switched to things I would use on course-- Clif bars, etc.  For the swim and run I stuck with gels since that was what I'd use on race day.

Did you change your shoes during the run?

No.  I wore shoes that fit my feet well, are the right size, and are comfortable.  So I never felt the need to change shoes.

What did you do for sun protection?

I use Coppertone Sport spf 50.  I know there are a lot of "better" sunscreens that probably have less chemicals or whatever.  But I've tried others, and this one lasts all day with one application.  I live in the desert and wear sunscreen all year round, all day long.  This works for me.   My crew did surprise me with lime green zinc oxide lip balm.  #limegreenismysignaturecolor  And I wore the RFA aero suit on day 1, and my Lemmon Lime Aero top on day 2 which provide excellent sun coverage.

What was your nutrition like during the race?

I took in gels on the swim-- 400 cal total with 2 bottles of water (in 2 hours 42 minutes).  Next time I'll double that.  I took in about 300 calories per hour on the bike on day 1, and pretty close to that on day 2.  Mostly solid foods- Clif bars, PB&J, Pringles, Girl Scout cookies (not joking), and chicken noodle soup.  And then I had Coke, Red Bull and espresso poured over ice **angels singing from above**

On the run I had Honey Stinger gels every 20 minutes.  I also had a bottle with my BASE salt concoction every half marathon.  And I drank some Coke and chicken broth along with lots of water.

What goes on in your head?

Mostly I'm thinking about the race.  What do I need now?  How am I feeling?  Sometimes I sang songs in my head.  There's really so much going on all the time that you're not just lost in thought.

What did you do to prepare mentally?

I can't say I did anything specific in this area.  My training is such that just the act of surviving it builds a certain degree of mental toughness.  That's how it should be.  Your training is what should give you confidence for race day.  There were definitely workouts that gave me anxiety when I saw them on my schedule.  And when you complete them and it's not a big deal, you put that in the bank.

How did you house your crew?

As soon as I received my invitation to Ultraman Australia I was on their website checking everything out.  One of their sponsors is the Macquarie Lodge Apartments so I hopped on their website.  I got a 3 bedroom apartment at a really great rate and it was absolutely perfect.  Our entire crew was able to stay together-- we could cook and eat together and when I was relaxing at night I could be on the couch while they were eating at the dinner table and we could go over the plan for the next day.  We had access to a pool, a balcony, laundry facilities, and 2 full bathrooms.  The living quarters were very spacious.  I highly recommend the Macquarie Lodge Apartments for anyone considering Ultraman or just a holiday in Noosa!

How did you set up for each day?

My crew captain, Chris, was responsible for making sure the van was packed and organized each day.  So prior to day 1 we removed some of the seats in the van to make space, got Dan's bike (which was my spare for the race) situated in the back, and then loaded the cooler and all the bags.  Heidi was in charge of my nutrition/ hydration so she had everything organized and knew where everything was at.  We had a separate bag for tools/ gear, a bag with sunscreen/ medical supplies, and bags with food/ drinks, etc.  They were very organized.

At the end of each stage, one of them would take the van to fill up with gas, stock up on anything we might be running low on (water/ ice/ etc) and then clean out all the garbage.  Then they'd make sure everything was organized and ready to go into the van for the next day.  Heidi made all the PBJs.  She divided the Pringles into 100 calorie ziplock bags.  Same with the Girl Scout cookies.  She had everything organized so that she would know exactly how many calories she handed to me, and when I handed back any wrappers/ etc, she knew where I was at intake-wise.  She kept detailed notes which I'm so thankful for because I will use those to help me train and plan for the next time around.

What was the hardest part?

That's tough to say.  I definitely think physically the run was the hardest, but I also was pretty content running with my crew all day long.... and I've already blocked out a majority of the pain from my mind.  Mentally the bike on day 1 was hard because I felt so terrible and it was still so early in the race.  I had to not think about how far I had left to go because I might not have made it off the bike on day 1.

What was your favorite part?

Day 2!!!  Hands down the 170 mile bike ride was my favorite.  I've never been more proud of race execution (outside of IMAZ 2015) as I was on that day.  I worked so hard on day 2.  The course was beautiful and hilly and completely amazing.  To stay focused on ONE thing, literally biking as hard as I could, for 9 hours-- it was a thing of beauty.  And to be surrounded and cheered for by my crew for the entire time... it's really difficult to describe how special this race is...

Was it harder than you expected?

Actually, it was easier.  I think after having crewed at Ultraman Canada I had an up close and personal glimpse of what it takes to survive this type of race.  My teammate went to depths on the run that I never came close to in the 3 days.  In my head, I was fully prepared to do what he did on day 3 to make it in under the cutoff time and in reality, my race went very smoothly.  I was never tested the way that he was.  It gave me a new appreciation for what he was able to do that day, and that week.  I am proud of my race.  I know I can do better, but I think for a first experience it was everything I wanted and more.

Did you get to do any sight-seeing?

Well, in my opinion the best way to see a place is on foot.  So I felt like I really did get to experience the areas we were in (Port Macquarie and Noosa/ Sunshine Coast).  But no, we didn't do touristy things.  My step-daughter graduated from high school a week after my race finished so we didn't have extra time to stay and travel around.  I've been to Australia before and traveled quite a bit so I was ok with just focusing on what we came to do.

Did you lose speed training for such a long distance?

No, not that I have seen.  Hillary warned me that I might not feel as sharp on some of my bike interval workouts (half IM and IM watts), and there was definitely a couple of weeks in April where I struggled to hit the numbers.  But I wasn't off by much and within 2 weeks my body adapted and I had my power back.  And since coming back and recovering from the race I feel stronger than ever.

How was recovery?

Recovery was awesome.  I basically swam every day while we were still in Australia.  Once we got back home I started biking and running a little bit-- like 20 minutes running and an hour biking, along with swimming.  I had about 3 weeks of active recovery, 1-2 days off per week with very easy training on the other days.  My body came around very nicely and by the time we started to do a bit of work I was ready for it.  Mentally and physically I felt recovered and ready to start training again.

Do you want to do another one?

100% yes.  I really believe I was made for this race.  My body handles the training well.  I LOVE the training.  I felt like I thrived during the race and remained strong throughout.  And I know I can do better the next time around.  My plan is to apply for the Ultraman World Championship in 2018.  As much as I'd love to go this year, I think I'd like the time to save up some money and do it right (spend a few days on the island!) and also just allow myself the time to prepare a little better.  Now that we know where my weaknesses are we can work on them in training.




Thursday, June 8, 2017

Ultraman Australia Part 1: Race Recap


Ultraman Australia is in the rear view.  It seems so surreal.  The event that I've looked forward to for 4 years or 9 months depending on how you look at it is in the books.  I was holding off on writing about it because I wanted to be able to share pictures taken by the official photographer.  Barry from Eyes Wide Open Images is a gem and his photos are amazing!

Hillary asked the women of Team SFQ to interview me for the Smashfest Diaries.  You can read that interview here.  I think they did a good job of covering the basics.  Training, sleep, travel, nutrition.  

But what really matters at Ultraman is the people.  The stories.  The (mostly cool) shit that happens.  These are the things that I want to remember.

We arrived in Sydney after our long haul flight and immediately hopped into a car and drove, on the wrong side of the road, to Port Macquarie, roughly 5 hours away.  I was travel-drunk and so out of my element on the left side of the road in a big city.  I've driven in a lot of big cities-- I'd compare it to San Francisco-- crowded, lots of traffic in a relatively small area, with a lot of "stuff" going on around such that you have to really pay attention to where you want to exit.  After about an hour in Sydney traffic we hit the highway it was pretty smooth sailing.

We stopped at a gas station because I was in desperate need of coffee and a few calories to get me till lunch.  Guys, gas station coffee in Australia is better than Starbucks.  Not even kidding.  I really wanted to hit up a cafe and maybe grab a muffin.  But after an hour we realized that was not going to be possible and settled for a gas station.  I was completely expecting Circle K coffee.  What I got was an amazing cup of coffee from an espresso machine.  Seriously.  And this was only the beginning of our coffee adventures down under.

Photo credit:  Heidi Videto


Anyhoo-- we stayed in Port Mac for a few days, DB raced IM there.  I mostly rode my bike, drank coffee, and walked to the aquatic center every day for my swim sesh in the 50 meter pool.  On IM day, I ran while he was swimming and found the coolest little park.  One minute I'm in the city, the next I'm lost on a boardwalk (trail run?) in a jungle with bats screeching from the trees above my head.  So completely awesome.

The day after IM, we drove up the coast to Kingscliff.  We stayed in a beautiful little resort hoping for one relaxing day poolside before chaos ensued... and it was pouring rain from the moment we arrived.  We suffered through a freezing dip in the pool and then ordered drinks and soaked instead in our bathtub built for two.  The next morning we packed up again and headed north to Brisbane to pick up my crew team who had flown in on the long haul overnight from LA.

Photo credit:  Heidi Videto


Once in Noosa all of our energy was focused on getting ready for the big weekend ahead.  We got the kayak reserved, did a little practice swim/ paddle, did a few bike rides, hit up the local aquatic center.  Ultraman is all about tradition and Dayle (aka: mother hen), the assistant race director, prepared us well for how the week was going to go and what to expect.  She encouraged us to get to know the other crews prior to race day because once the race starts it's harder to meet people.  I took the time at registration to talk to as many people as I could.  I met the mom of the youngest competitor.  She was crewing for her son (how awesome is that!).  I met Dee, the eventual women's champion.  I met Pip Holland, the winner of the inaugural Ultraman Australia, who was helping on the medical team that week.  Pip and I had exchanged messages prior to my arrival in Australia and she gave me some very helpful pointers.

From here on out, I'm going to just tell you stories.  They may not flow seamlessly like a normal "race report" but these are the things I want to remember, the stories that were important to me.  Later, in another post, I'll share the most common questions I've gotten along with the answers.  So if you have anything you're dying to know please comment below!

Day 1:  10k swim + 90 mile bike

Photo credit:  Chris Blick

As soon as my feet hit the water all my nerves disappeared.  I was ready to get the day started and as I swam out to the start buoy I prepared my mind for the task ahead.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images

The water was choppier than I expected.  I didn't anticipate smooth sailing, but I had hoped for the glassy calm of the bay from the pictures of Ultramans past.  I felt good for about 1500 meters, then we rounded the first turn buoy and headed back into choppier waters.  About 2000 in, I swam headfirst into another swimmer.  Our heads didn't collide thankfully, but we sort of intertwined arms and came up above the water in what was almost an embrace.  I think we were both caught a little off guard and it took a second for me to get my rhythm back.  Rather than be upset by it, I took our *hug* as a sign of encouragement and silently wished my fellow athlete well in the rest of his swim as I continued mine.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images


Marsha kept the kayak even with my line of sight so that every time I breathed to her side I saw her smiling and nodding at me encouragingly.  On our planned schedule she would wave my water bottle at me and I'd stop to take in my fuel.  Around 5k in we made another turn and I saw her starting to work hard to propel the kayak.  In my head I thought, Wow, I must be swimming really strong!  In reality, she was having to work hard just to move the kayak against the current, but feeling like I was doing really well was a huge mental boost at that point in the race.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images


When we neared the shore toward the end of the swim I could see her signaling to the crew on land and she was smiling and cheering me on.  I swam the final couple hundred yards to shore without her by my side as she navigated the kayak over the swells.  When I stood up, Dan was there to usher me under the timing banner.  I turned and saw Marsha on shore and ran over to hug her first.  She had seamlessly, beautifully, successfully led me to my goal swim time which was sub 2:45.

Photo credit:  Laura Wright


I felt less than great during the first day's bike ride.  I was hungry for the first two hours and was eating every 15 minutes to try to catch up from the 10k swim.  In training when I swim 10k, I usually proceed to breakfast immediately and down about 1000 calories.  For some reason I didn't take into consideration that I was going to be feeling this hungry... and still have to keep moving forward on my bike.  Next time around I'll double my swim calories.

Photo credit:  Laura Wright


I also felt a bit of vertigo, like how after you feel getting off a week long cruise?  Your feet are on solid ground but your brain is still rollin' with the ocean?  It was pretty mild but it definitely made me feel less than spectacular.  Day 1 was rolling hills.  Lots of them.  And steep ones.  I didn't spend much time in my aero bars.  Partly because I didn't feel great, and partly because of the climbing.  Either way, I was happy to roll into the finish first female after just over 8 hours of swimming and biking.

Photo credit:  Laura Wright

I got through medical checks, and waited in line for massage.  Heidi hitched a ride back to the apartment with Laura to start prepping dinner.  Heidi was in charge of all my nutrition for the entire week-- both on the race course and post race-- as well as feeding the crew.  She made big family style dinners for them and I had a huge bowl of rice with tamari sauce, avocado and eggs.  I assured my crew I'd feel better on day 2.  I knew the vertigo would resolve itself after a good night's rest.

Photo credit:  Laura Wright



Day 2:  170 mile bike

We rolled out in peloton formation at the start of day 2 with a police escort for the first 8-10k.  I was under the impression that when the lead out vehicle left us, we would immediately resume non-drafting position.   That didn't happen, and instead everyone was sort of jostling for position and still riding in a draft.  I mostly wanted to keep the first 2 girls in sight, and I wanted to move up to keep an eye on them, but I also wanted to ride legal distance.  Eventually, my frustration got the better of me and since I had been pushing less than 100 watts sitting in this pack (which is super easy pace for me) I found myself passing everyone and taking the lead for a short time.  Being out front I was able to get into my aero bars and ride my pace and not worry about what was happening behind me.  After several miles the stronger men began passing me, and by this time everyone was riding legally so I could just keep doing what I was doing and let them go by me.

The first 50k was a no-crew zone.  It was quiet and the sun was just beginning to come up as we rode through some beautiful country side.  Before we made it out of this stretch, there was one more bit of chaos.  An athlete in front of me hit a pot hole in the road and went down hard.  He fractured several ribs and his clavicle.  I didn't witness the crash, but about a dozen of us rode up on the scene fairly quickly.  There were a couple of vehicles behind us and we waved them forward and asked them to call the paramedics.  They assured us they would take care of him and told us to continue riding.  We rolled out and once again had to jockey a bit for position.  Everyone was a little bit shaken up and riding a little more conservatively for a few miles.

Photo credit:  Running Paparazzi 


I was somewhat relieved to be out of the first 50k and back with support teams.  We settled into a routine of leap-frogging, fueling and hydrating.  I felt really good.  Strong.  My watts after the 50k were a bit higher than I was planning but I felt good and decided to just go with it.  There was plenty of climbing on day 2, about 10,000 feet total gain, but I found myself able to ride comfortably in my aero bars for a majority of the day sitting up only to climb the steeper/ longer ascents.

Around 100k in I went through a low patch.  Calories were fine, I just felt a little blah.  At about 150k I suffered a puncture and when I tried to change my tire I realized that it was lacerated and unlikely to hold air for any length of time.  Thankfully, there was another crew across the street.  They ran over to help me and when we figured out I needed a new tire they gave me their spare wheel.  This is what Ultraman is all about, right there.  This is the Kokua... the help.  They didn't even give it a second thought.  I needed a wheel and they provided.  I was so grateful for their help as my crew didn't intend to drive the short out-n-back where my flat occurred.

I lost 7 minutes on the side of the road and got passed by several men and the next woman, Dee.  This snapped me out of my funk as I had to get working again to get back in the race.  I stayed on top of fluids/ calories and kept my head down and my power up.  A while later, maybe 170k, I passed Dee on one of the bigger hills.  She had some mechanical issues with her bike on day 1 and had to do a few last minute fixes and I think she was left with a less than ideal cassette for climbing.  

Photo credit:  Running Paparazzi 


From that point on, I knew we were close together as I saw her crew leap frogging me the rest of the day.  At 200k in I was feeling really good, better than I should have felt at that effort level, and I asked Chris what the women's bike course record was.  He did some research and a few miles later he reported back to me.  I knew that it would be close, but it was totally doable.  Chasing the record fueled my fire, and also gave my crew a huge boost.  9 hours is a really REALLY long day in the car and having something to work for, and look forward to, gave them a much needed spark.

I was back and forth with Dee once more and by the time we rolled into town I had enough of a lead that I thought I could hold the win.  The finish line was actually about a half mile from the staging area -- they didn't want us racing through the busiest section of traffic.  I crossed the line, shouted out my race number and immediately burst into tears.  I was overwhelmed with joy, pride, and exhaustion.  Racing 170 miles over 9 hours with such intense focus and determination took everything I had physically and mentally.

Photo credit:  Laura Wright


Dee crossed the finish line 27 seconds behind me.  When we got off our bikes we hugged and celebrated the fact that we broke the previous course record by 12 minutes.  Technically the day 2 bike course record is mine, but there is no way I could have ridden that hard without Dee pushing me to my very best.  And I am so excited to watch this woman (who was mere seconds off the Ultraman world record after all 3 days) in her future adventures.  She is a beast with the a heart of gold.

Photo credit:  Laura Wright



Dee and I after stage 2.


Day 2 was by far my favorite of the three days.  The thing I loved about this race comes down to 3 things:

1.  I was never alone.  Even though I'm the one pedaling 170 miles, my crew was with me every step of the way.  Seeing them, and interacting with them, even if it was just to exchange bottles and fuel, was such a need boost to my spirit.  Unlike Ironman, where you can be surrounded by 2000 people but feel completely alone because it's every man for himself/ herself.  Ultraman really is a team event.

2.  I had no less than 6 crews, other than my own, cheering for me by name all day long.  It wasn't always the same crews as we separated out on the road and passed or got passed by others.  But the Ultraman Ohana was alive and well on course through the entire event.  In the photo below you can see my crew (in lime green) along with at least 2 other crews cheering for the rider that's passing by.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images


3.  It was fun to push myself through a ride of that distance.  For the final 100k I thought at any minute I could blow up and things could go south very quickly.  But I didn't and in the process I shattered any preconceived ideas about what I was capable of.  I am excited to capitalize on this new level of fitness and mental toughness.

Day 3:  52.4 mile run

The run was tough.  I knew it would be, and I thought if there was a day I would be up against the time limit it would be day 3.  Unlike my experience in Canada where we literally never took our eyes off of Barry, in Australia we were running on paved paths that often weaved through parks and we could be several miles without vehicle support.  So I basically had a pacer with me from mile 1 on.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images


Marsha, Dan, and Chris each took an hour at a time to get me through the first marathon.  Coming back from the turn around we got a little lost and added on some #bonusmiles.  At that point I got a bit discouraged.  I asked Heidi to jump in and run a little bit with me and she obliged.

When Heidi took over pacing from Dan I was in my lowest point.  I cried a little, feeling like I was letting everyone down because I couldn't hold onto my pace.  She let me have my moment and then made me laugh by swearing at me in her Boston accent.  Those few miles with her were my favorite of the day.  She took my mind off what I was doing and we actually picked up the pace a bit.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images


Chris and Marsha rotated in for a couple more rounds of pacing.  I retired from triathlon at least 4 times during the second marathon.  Marsha and I dreamed up our next venture.  We were going to do arts and crafts and sell them.  Cause why wouldn't people want to buy our shit, right?  We were going to have a little shop, and not do anything physical, just do crafts.  I don't even know how to do crafts.  Like, what's even involved in that?  You just make random shit?  I don't know.  But we were convinced this was our next path in life.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images


Chris and I talked about the most random topics related to current issues in our society, reality television and all manner of inappropriate topics, none of which will be revealed here because #whathappensatultramanstaysatultraman  :)  It was a lot of fun and got my mind off of the pain for the most part.  Basically we solved all of the worlds problems soooo...  #chrisforpresident

Dan ran with me the final 4 miles or so.  As planned, I swapped out my visor for my FindingAloha hat when the crew departed us to head to the finish line.  I got a little choked up knowing that we were nearly finished.  When we hit the beach for the last half mile, everyone was there.  The entire crew and cheer squad.  We ran across the beach and up the last few meters of sand which was a struggle after 52 miles... but I was still smiling.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images

And just like that, our journey was over.  It's really difficult to put into words everything that Ultraman is and how it impacts you.

The experience this time around was definitely different from the crewing experience.  As an athlete it's much more selfish.  Everything revolves around making sure you're fed and hydrated.  Making sure you're resting when you should be resting.  Making sure your bike is washed and the van is cleaned out and packed for the next day.  But there is also something incredibly beautiful and humbling about being so vulnerable.  About having to ask for help and being entirely dependent on others for your needs.  Being at your most physically depleted and having this team of people never shy away from lifting you up.

These last few weeks as I've reflected on Ultraman I've been filled with gratitude so deep I often don't know how to express it.  Thank you is just not enough.  For one week we were more than family.  We laughed until we cried.  We shared highs and lows enough for a lifetime.  We are changed by this experience and even though we parted ways in LAX, we will always be bonded by this adventure.  We will always have Ultraman Australia 2017.

Photo credit:  Eyes Wide Open Images