before me. I immerse.
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| Yoga for athletes! |
2 years ago I enrolled myself in therapy. I was not suicidal but I wanted to hurt myself to make the emotional pain I was experiencing stop. I didn't want to feel this way and I didn't want to take drugs to numb myself. As fate would have it I was referred to the best possible match for me at the time and my therapist recommended a type of therapy called EMDR. Prior to starting EMDR, my therapist took a thorough history and identified multiple events/ times in my life when I felt ashamed... worthless... humiliated.... (all things that I associated with my previous husband and our subsequent divorce which I had not dealt with since our relationship dissolved in 2004). During the physical process of EMDR, I would follow the movement of lights on a board with my eyes while focusing my thoughts on one particular memory. After a few moments, she would stop the movement and I would say whatever came to my mind. Sometimes my thoughts made sense. Other times my thoughts were completely random and seemingly unrelated to what I was supposed to be focusing on. It was very, very simple. Over time, it was almost like watching a movie of my life in reverse.
In the process of this very simple exercise I was able to remove the emotional attachment to the memories that I had, and store them differently in my subconscious. You don't turn bad memories into good memories, but I don't have to be haunted by them for the rest of my life. And this is in essence what meditation allows you to do. Instead of following lights on a board, you sit in stillness with your eyes closed, but by focusing on your breathing or a simple mantra, you are able to clear your mind, remove attachment to various experiences, and CHOOSE how you want to respond to those thoughts. This is a very simple example but I tend to have a very reactive personality. If someone cuts me off in traffic or pulls out in front of me I get pissed off and start yelling. Through the process of meditation and mindfulness, you start to gain awareness, you start to realize that when these events happen it's not about ME, I can pause, take a breath and choose how I want to feel. If I want to feel angry and scream, then fine. But if I want to let it go, because it's really NOT about me, then I can do that too. Crazy, right?
It's not about being fearless, it's about changing your relationship with fear.
The other thing that my therapist had me do (prior to starting EMDR) was to create a "happy place". I was to pick a place that I loved. I chose the top of Snow Valley Peak overlooking Lake Tahoe. With my eyes closed I could smell the crispness of a mountain summer and scent of trees in the air. I could feel the chill of the wind whipping against my skin. I could hear the wind, the only sound in the engulfing silence so high above civilization. I could see the crystal blue waters of Lake Tahoe over my right shoulder as I stood looking down the trail in front of me. I could taste the water from my hydration pack as the icy water slid down the back of my throat.
This is the perfect example of mindfulness. Being fully aware of something, fully present in a moment. In every day life, being mindful might mean that in a moment of fear, anger, hurt, or even joy- you take a step back, take in all that is going on including your reaction, and see that experience without judgement. By removing the desire to judge how you're feeling or responding to something, you can assess what is truly happening and choose how you want to feel/ respond. I assure you this is not always easy, but it's very simple.
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| Yoga on the beach. |
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Jess: What are you bringing here this weekend?
Me: Well, I'm fine now, because, well, I'm training again and everyone is qualifying for Kona and so I'm, like, super pumped and motivated but, well, after Kona and Australia, I just couldn't connect with a goal. When I contacted you in June I was feeling a little lost and well, ....
J: What do you mean lost? What were you feeling when you were training for Ultraman that you are no longer feeling?
Me: Well.... I guess I got to this point in April where I felt so strong. Like invincible. And I was so tired, but I could do anything. And I had this amazing support system that came to Australia and I had to learn to be vulnerable, and rely on them for basically everything. And it was this amazing experience. And I guess when I came back from that and jumped back into normal life, only with not a lot of training, and no real goal in mind... I just...
J: What did you feel?
Me: Restless. Like, everyone is doing stuff because it's summer and everyone is out training and racing and I'm just sitting at home running, like, 10 miles a week, and biking maybe a hundred. And I get it, I have to let the body heal, blah blah blah, but....
J: And what's the opposite of restless?
Me: Contentment.
J: Mmmmm. (smiling) And what else?
Me: Well, I talked to BJ this morning on our bike ride, but I feel like all my self doubt stems from fear. Fear of being hit by a car on the bike. Fear of failure. Fear that I'm not good enough.
J: And what's the opposite of fear?
Me: Joy.
J: Mmmmm. (smiling again)
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| Mindfulness session with Jess. |
This is not an exact quotation of how our conversation went, but my first mindfulness session with Jess at my High Vibe Retreat was revealing. Jess guided the conversation, educated me on what it meant to live mindfully and ultimately challenged me to replace fear and restlessness with joy and contentment when I saw them in my thoughts.
When I entered the High Vibe Retreat (HVR) I had zero experience with meditation, and limited experience with mindfulness. I had practiced the physical part of yoga, but not the spiritual or mental aspects of yoga. I tried to go in with an open mind, prepared to be uncomfortable and challenged. And I was. On such a deeper level than I expected.
Between conversations with Jess, often while preparing meals or sitting in our meditation circle, I rode my bike for 4 1/2 hours with BJ and we swam in the local, sun-drenched pool which was heaven and ran along the coastline. BJ was a good sounding board because it was during our physical activity that my brain would be free of distractions and start to process the things that Jess was teaching. I would ask him questions and in a safe space was able to explore my issues with fear and restlessness. The "aha!" moments often occurred hours or sometimes days after information was initially presented.
When we arrived at our hotel at the start of the week, there was a care package waiting for us from BJ and Jess. We each got a journal and began writing in it that weekend. One of the activities that we were assigned was something called "Judge Thy Neighbor". We were supposed to set a timer for 10 minutes and choose one person that we had a beef with and just let it all go in the journal. Hold nothing back. We did this exercise one evening before bed. When we finished, Rachel and I both had this feeling of, well, yuckiness. Like we didn't want to go to sleep with all that negativity. We speculated that this was a way for us to get something off our minds without actually confronting that person.
The next day, we were given a second assignment. To randomly choose 3 statements from our "Judge Thy Neighbor" rant and to answer the questions: 1. Is this statement true? 2. How do I feel when I think this? 3. Who would I be without this thought? In doing the second part of this exercise you start to realize that often your judgments are unfounded, and based out of fear, jealousy, or hurt. This lifted a little burden and you begin to see that you really CAN let go of things and it will be for the better. What IF I didn't feel this way about so-and-so? Well, it would be pretty darn amazing, actually.
Later we were given part 3 of the assignment. Turn the statements back around at YOU. This is where the exercise becomes mind-blowing. All 3 of the statements, with my name in place of the girl I was judging exposed all of MY fears, self doubts, feelings of unworthiness about myself. My mouth literally gaped in disbelief as I made this realization. I didn't have to go on disliking this person because it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me.
So what do you do with this information? Well, if you're me, you start to lean into that discomfort zone a little and explore your doubts and fears a little more. Because by doing so you can process what is real, what is imagined, and what you want to reframe in your subconscious. Negative is not going to magically become positive, but by removing my attachment I can remain neutral. Calm, in other words.
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| Heading out to ride bikes! |
When we arrived at our hotel at the start of the week, there was a care package waiting for us from BJ and Jess. We each got a journal and began writing in it that weekend. One of the activities that we were assigned was something called "Judge Thy Neighbor". We were supposed to set a timer for 10 minutes and choose one person that we had a beef with and just let it all go in the journal. Hold nothing back. We did this exercise one evening before bed. When we finished, Rachel and I both had this feeling of, well, yuckiness. Like we didn't want to go to sleep with all that negativity. We speculated that this was a way for us to get something off our minds without actually confronting that person.
The next day, we were given a second assignment. To randomly choose 3 statements from our "Judge Thy Neighbor" rant and to answer the questions: 1. Is this statement true? 2. How do I feel when I think this? 3. Who would I be without this thought? In doing the second part of this exercise you start to realize that often your judgments are unfounded, and based out of fear, jealousy, or hurt. This lifted a little burden and you begin to see that you really CAN let go of things and it will be for the better. What IF I didn't feel this way about so-and-so? Well, it would be pretty darn amazing, actually.
Later we were given part 3 of the assignment. Turn the statements back around at YOU. This is where the exercise becomes mind-blowing. All 3 of the statements, with my name in place of the girl I was judging exposed all of MY fears, self doubts, feelings of unworthiness about myself. My mouth literally gaped in disbelief as I made this realization. I didn't have to go on disliking this person because it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me.
So what do you do with this information? Well, if you're me, you start to lean into that discomfort zone a little and explore your doubts and fears a little more. Because by doing so you can process what is real, what is imagined, and what you want to reframe in your subconscious. Negative is not going to magically become positive, but by removing my attachment I can remain neutral. Calm, in other words.
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I don't know if this makes you more or less confused about what actually went on at the High Vibe Retreat. If you're not willing to get uncomfortable and explore your thoughts and feelings, this probably isn't for you (even though it might be exactly what you need!). But if you're ready to push that boundary I highly recommend it.
We spent our time learning to sit quietly in meditation, practicing yoga on the beach (or in a studio), biking, swimming, running, preparing meals together, all the while exploring our thoughts, feelings, reactions, emotions. It was intense, and relaxing, and unhurried, and challenging. BJ and Jess are living their purpose and their excitement is contagious. I'm already planning my next High Vibe Retreat.
Namaste.
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If you're interested in exploring meditation and mindfulness further but aren't sure how to get started, check out the YogiTriathlete website HERE. Even if you're not ready for a retreat of your own, you can start with one-on-one virtual sessions with Jess. It's not easy, but it's very simple.
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