Ironman Texas: (Un)Sweet 16

Two weeks.  It has been two weeks since Ironman Texas and I've had no desire to think, write, or feel anything more about this race.  But I firmly believe that in order for me to put it definitively in the past I need to acknowledge it.  I cannot pretend that it didn't happen or it will haunt me forever.

Here is the truth.  IM Texas was not the race I had dreamed of having.  I overheated on the bike and ended up stopping at the med tent on the bike course for help.  I am sharing a few bits of the email I sent my coach in the days following the race.

"I am SO disappointed.  It is a very surreal feeling - like I was in someone else's race, not mine.  I am left feeling a little bit like a surrogate mother.  I went through the entire pregnancy and delivery (training) and part of me feels happy because I did what I was supposed to do (finish) but the other part of me is grieving for the loss of something that was never mine to begin with.  I am not feeling sorry for myself-- I certainly wasn't robbed of an outcome that I deserved, I'm just disappointed that I missed an opportunity to have a good race effort and make forward progress."  

Here's the deal.  

1.  The swim was awesome.  I had a personal goal of 1:03-1:05.  This is a non-wetsuit swim.  I am consistently swimming 58-59 minutes for wetsuit swims.  2 years ago at IMTX I swam 1:12.  I thought I had a reasonable goal.  I was beyond thrilled to get out of the water in 1:02 and change.

My Gem.  I LOVE this ride!!  #brilliantunderpressure even when melting.

2.  I overheated on the bike.  Plain and simple I did not manage the conditions that were handed to me on race day.  It seems very bizarre to me because it really didn't feel that humid to me.  Later I saw a report that it was like 99% or some bullshit.  I ended up in the med tent at mile 95 because I physically could not go any further.  It seems absolutely ridiculous to me that I could not ride 17 miles.  But if you've been in that position you know that every mile is absolutely excruciating and I honestly thought that with the way I felt, 17 miles could easily take me 90-120 minutes.  I spent 20 minutes in the med tent allowing them to pour ice cold water over me, and drinking ice cold water.  Since I was not vomiting, and no IV fluids were administered,  (and I clearly did not make forward progress while sitting in the med tent) I was allowed to keep going.  

"Getting back on the bike I felt better for about 3-5 miles.  Then I was just counting down the miles till I could get off the bike.  I was fully ready to hand in my timing chip when I got back to T2, and then in the final mile -- a big cloud rolled in and it started raining.  I thought if it's going to be overcast,  I can run in the rain.  

I got through transition (slowly) and again- the volunteers do not give you a chance to back out because they are so positive and when I left the change tent the fucking sun was out again.  Not a cloud in the sky.  Seriously.  At this point, my only hope was to finish and I knew I'd have to be extra careful on the run." 

This was taken the day before- don't let those clouds fool you.

"I literally told myself that I was going to plaster a smile on my face the entire run and thank every volunteer and be that girl that the spectators appreciate and love.  No one wants to watch an athlete with a shitty attitude suffering through something you paid $800 to do, when they also sacrificed their time, money, and entire day to sit out in the hot sun watching us.  I figured if nothing else I was going to represent Smash Dimond with a smile on my face."   

3.  The run was all about survival.  Calories, hydration, keeping the core temp down.  There were so many moments that I wanted to just be done.  To say, fuck it.  But I can't.  I did that once, and I will never do that again.    

"The rest is history.  When I got to the finish line chute, the spectators were so loud and excited and I high fived every single person there.  I was happy to finish, given how many times I wanted to quit.  But my celebration was for them as much as it was for me." 


After crossing the finish line, it was a mixed bag of emotions.  Most of my friends were in the same state I was... trashed.  There were some comments from strangers that hurt my feelings at first, but my coach reminded me that it was not intentional on their part.  When an expectation is set, and not met, people are curious.  As in WTF happened??!  I get it.

I did a pretty good job of keeping the smile plastered on until I saw my friend and teammie, Kona Dawn.  She was on the other side of the fence and at first I tried to ignore her attempt to get my attention because I knew I would not be able to fake it with her.  I finally walked to the fence, melted into her embrace and just sobbed.  I didn't have to say anything because she already knew.  She has watched me train and work over the last 18 months with one goal in mind.  She knew exactly what I wanted out of myself on the day.  Thankfully she had the words that I needed to hear to start the emotional healing process.  

First time Ironman finisher!!

The silver lining was watching my friend and training partner finish his first Ironman.  He was all smiles, all day long and LOVED everything about the day.  It was so refreshing to see everything through his eyes all weekend long.  His family was on course cheering for us all day.  It really kept things in perspective.

I've said it before but it bears repeating.  Ironman Texas is freaking awesome.  The volunteers, the crowd support, the venue, the course.  None of the other races I've done come close to the full package deal in Texas.  I am disappointed in myself, but not in the race itself.  I had such a fun weekend leading up to the race start.

Now we're back to real life, and training, and getting ready for the next go-round.  I allowed my friends to comfort me when I was feeling down, but when I committed to this dream 18 months ago I knew there would be ups and downs, more failures than successes, and a lot of time invested.  I am not willing or ready to let that go yet.  I think Rachel Platten sums it up best in her new song...

I don't really care if nobody else believes, cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me.