Freeing Myself

"Life ain't always what you think it oughta be." The Band Perry

Following my decision to step off the bike course at Ironman St. George last weekend, I beat myself up pretty badly.  I was disappointed that I wasn't "tough enough" to finish what I started.  After 6 months of training, and the hill work, and the long rides, and all the time I sacrificed... I just convinced myself not to go on.  I was pretty upset.

Some friends congratulated me.  I can only assume that they weren't aware of my DNF.  All of my friends encouraged me, saying that they loved me anyway.  It's true, no one really cares about whether or not I finish Ironman except me.  Do I care if anyone else finishes?  No, I will love them anyway and the reverse is true when I'm the one dropping out.  They surround me with love.

But one friend had the magic words.  She sent me a message yesterday, telling me that she was proud of me no matter what I did.  We went back and forth for a while as I expressed some of my frustrations.  And then she said, "Everyone has bad days.  We definitely don't let the bad days define us.  They make us stronger."  And she is so right. 

Notice she's not just talking about IM or racing or sport.  She's talking about life.  And when I look at my life I have survived so much worse, SO much worse, than a few rough winds and high seas at Ironman St. George.  Looking back on my life I can identify many times when I was tested and put to the challenge and I endured, and came out stronger. 

For example, making it through veterinary school.  Getting in wasn't so hard.  Staying there is a whole different ballgame.  At one point after my second year, I really wanted to quit.  It was hard, it wasn't fun, and I was afraid of failing.  I actually applied and got into nursing school and was ready to walk away.  But I didn't.  I stayed and finished what I started.  I may not have been valedictorian, but I took my education and I threw myself into becoming the best veterinarian that I could be. 

Which actually leads to an even bigger challenge that I survived.  Internship.  Following graduate school, many veterinarians opt to pursue further education by doing a year of internship, followed (for some) by residency.  I graduated in May, packed my belongings and drove to California.  1500 miles away from my family, I started my first job.  I was alone, working 80+ hours a week making $18k.  I wasn't sleeping or eating.  Half of my time was spent working the emergency room.  I was exhausted and for weeks at a time, I would cry every day on my way to work.  I lost 30 pounds in 6 months.  I started my internship with 7 people in my class.  There were 5 of us at the end of the year.  There were days, months actually, that I wanted to walk away.  But I learned more in that year than I could have in 5 years of general practice.  It was an invaluable experience, but it required a daily commitment to get up and go to work, and not throw in the towel.

And then probably the biggest challenge of my life was the dissolution of my first marriage.  I think my ex and I would agree that we should never have married in the first place.  By the time I returned from my internship in California, I had grown up a lot and we had grown apart.  But we had been engaged for over a year and I think we both thought that things would get better.  To make a long story short, we were unhappy and I became severely depressed.  There came a breaking point at which I needed to seek help because I was going to hurt myself.  I am so thankful for my family during that time because even though there was nothing that they could do for me, just seeing the concern and fear on their faces was a wake up call to me. 

I reached out, got professional help, and slowly began to get better.  It took months, but I was able to regain my self esteem and it allowed me to (FINALLY) kick my husband out after his year long affair.  There was finally a light at the end of a very dark tunnel and there is never a day that goes by that I'm not thankful to be out of that position.  It's what has motivated me to find someone who truly loves and supports me, and to only do things that I truly love and enjoy.  I don't want to be around people that are negative, I don't want to be in a job that I don't look forward to going to every day, and I don't want to spend my free time doing anything other than something I'm passionate about. 

During that dark time I constantly reminded myself of a quote by Mother Teresa, "God will never give me more than I can handle.  I just wish he didn't trust me so much."  And every time I am having a bad day or I think I am getting a karmic payback, I remind myself that I can handle anything I'm given.  It may not be on my time frame or exactly how I think it should be, but I will survive.      

This morning as I was riding my bike, I thought about my friend's words to me.  I thought how truly right she is.  She has endured her own share of personal hell this year, and she embraces each day with a smile on her face.  It's not always easy, but she knows that it could be worse.  She is tough.  And she's a survivor.

Does it suck that I didn't finish St. George?  Yes.  But does it really matter?  Absolutely not.  I got a little teary eyed on my ride this morning thinking of all the negative things I've said to myself over the last 4 days.  I can't believe I talked to myself in a way that I would never let anyone talk to me.  Even though I didn't have a mirror to stand in front of at the time, I immediately began to affirm the truth.  I am tough.  (I don't need an Ironman to tell me that.)  And I'm brave.  And I'm a survivor.  And I'm pretty darn awesome, if you ask me.  I can't believe that I nearly let my self esteem slide because of one stupid failure.  In my lifetime I have accomplished many more goals and watched many more dreams come to fruition than I have endured failure.  If I fail every once in a while, I pray that I will at least walk away having learned something about myself.  If I do that, my mistake is not in vain.          

I'll leave you with two final thoughts:

"Don't waste hard-learned lessons.  Embrace them, remember them, and act on them."  Terry Ortiz

"What I never did is done."  The Band Perry