Saturday, August 1, 2009

"It's not about the bike. It's a metaphor for life, not only the longest race in the world but also the most exalting and heartbreaking and potentially tragic. It poses every conceivable element to the rider and more: cold, heat, mountains, plains, ruts, flat tires, high winds, unspeakably bad luck, unthinkable beauty, yawning senselessness, and above all a great, deep self-questioning. During our lives we're faced with so many different elements as well, we experience so many setbacks, and fight such a hand-to-hand battle with failure, head down in the rain, just trying to stay upright and to have a little hope." Excerpt from It's Not About the Bike
by Lance Armstrong.

If I am totally honest I would have to say I've been wallowing in a vat of self pity lately. Hating the world. And this hatred and self pity stem from fear and anger... two emotions that are a little harder to wrangle. I'm afraid every time I get on my bike. And the fear is paralyzing. I am afraid that I will be run off the road or killed. I am afraid that I will be beaten or broken if for no other reason than I chose to ride my bike. And I am angry that I feel this way... angry that I feel justified in feeling this way. That our society cares so little about humanity that someone would actually be able to run me off the road, injury me or kill me, and drive away never looking back. They would just go on about their day as if nothing had happened. This is not as far fetched as you might believe. I'm won't share with you all the stories of accidents I've witnessed. The boy riding his bike to high school who got hit by a minivan. Yes, I watched it happen. The girl driving the Mercedes who hits my friend throwing her off her bike and drives off like it never happened. The boat. The trailer. The list is endless.

Anyway, I digress. I've been re-reading one of my favorite autobiographies lately. (We lost internet access at work so I'm killing the down time in a new way.) In his book, Lance talks a lot about hope and fear. He speculates on which is stronger and why it's so important not to give up hope. He says that fear should never fully rule the heart, and he decided not to be afraid when he was facing cancer. I know that I will never be able to ride my bike on an open road in the same way ever again. "Once you have been that scared, you know more about your frailty than most people." But if I work hard I can channel my fear and face the road. I can rebuild a sense of confidence but maintain a standard of safety. I cannot control what other people will do. If someone wants to hit me, they will. I cannot avoid that. I can do everything in my power to respect the laws of traffic and with time, I can come to appreciate the time that I have to be on my bike, with the wind in my face, and the sun on my back. And if I die doing something that I love, then I couldn't think of a better way to go.

I apologize if this is a bit morbid. That's not my point. I just don't want to be angry or afraid anymore. And the only way to stop is to face my fear and accept the consequences. I love my life and I want to live to be very old and die in some freak way and have everyone say... That 90 year old woman was trying to do what? (I imagine me, on a whim, jumping in to swim across the English Channel or bike down Le Alp d'Huez. Yes... at 90.)

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