Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Frustration and despair

Here's a few things that I have learned about myself:

1. I learn from my mistakes, but only if faced with making the exact same mistake. I will happily and stupidly make new mistakes. Case in point: I changed my saddle last week (see previous post). Sunday, I went for a nice long bike ride and restrained my hip flexor. Stupid, stupid mistake. If I had been patient for a couple of days and had my new saddle professionally fitted before my outing, I could have avoided injury... again. Why, why, why did I have to be so f*%#ing stupid?

2. I have a hard time admitting pain. Monday, after straining my hip flexor on Sunday, I go out for a long run. I was aiming for 14, turned around at 5 and nearly had to walk the last 3 miles home. When I walked through the door I called and scheduled an appoinment with my physical therapist. The next morning when I show up at his office and am explaining why I am there. He's asking me questions and I am totally dodging the pain questions. Well, no, I can still swim. I mean I can feel it when I kick... and I guess it slows my kick down.. but (damnit) I can still swim! And I can (hobble) run... sort of, well not really... I guess it hurt (like every freaking step!) during my run yesterday. Here's this person who is supposed to help me and I won't admit a) that I'm in pain, b) how bad it is. And then I get on the table and he starts poking and prodding and when he hits my hip flexor I nearly jump off the table screaming. I guess he can tell it hurts... without me actually admitting it. Is pain really a sign of weakness? And why am I so afraid of it (weakness)?

3. If I ever am able to run again without pain/ discomfort/ some nagging feeling.... I will never ever ever take that for granted again. At this point I would do anything to be normal again. To wind the clock back 15 weeks and start over. I swear I would do better. I hate that I am here right now. In this place of injury. I want to wake up and have it be all over. A learning experience. So I will go to PT and do my exercises and my stretches and I will keep praying that someday I will wake up and this will be a distant memory. I'll look back and think, there was that one time in 2009 that I was injured and had to go through rehab, but otherwise I've been pretty healthy. Someday.

I really really hate this. I know this is supposed to be one of those opportunities for me to have a really positive outlook and they do all the surveys in Runner's World that shows that people with a positive attitude during injury have a higher rate of recovery. But it's so hard! All I really want to do is crawl in a hole and cry. I keep thinking about everything that I wanted to do this year. Everything I've done for the past 3 years. Why now? Why when Boston was just 8.2 miles away? Why when I have 2 IM scheduled and I am supposed to be training? Why me? I hate to be melodramatic and I totally don't blame you if you are rolling your eyes right now. I would be. But this sucks! I don't want to take time off. I want to run. I don't want an excuse to sleep in and be lazy. I WANT TO RUN.


Aldi26 said...

Mary, you will run pain free again! You are way stronger than this, and we all know it. Just tackle the recovery like you would any of your training and you will be fine! '09 will still be a great year for you!

Jackie said...

patience my dear, will all soon be better...after the past 18 months, I KNOW how you feel...but it will pass....

joshua said...

Hey Mary! being an active athlete means being at risk of getting hurt, we all go trough this, it doesn't matter if we take care of every single aspect; still happens.
it happens even to the pro's why not you or me? or anybody?
I wish you a full recovery and more fun in your training.