Ego Trip 'N' Fall

There are voices in my head.  All the time.  Before you go gettin' all high and mighty, there are voices in your head too.  Just listen.  Weren't you just telling yourself, "this chick's crazy!"?  Yep, that was your voice in your head.

Usually the voice in my head is my own.  Sometimes I talk to it.  A few words of encouragement.  Sometimes an entire conversation.  Other times the voices in my head belong to my family and friends.  I hear their words of encouragement.  The challenges they sometimes throw down.  Sometimes I sing songs to drown out the voices in my head if they're being negative or saying things I don't need to hear.  I have to sing pretty loud so I apologize to anyone who may have been racing next to me during one of these episodes.

Last weekend I raced the IMS half marathon.  Now, let's set the record straight:  I have not raced an open half marathon since Dec 2011 (ie:  a half marathon not following a 1.2 mile swim and 56 mile bike ride).  I also have been in full on training mode for my upcoming triathlon season.  I also did not taper prior to the half marathon, though I did have 2 easy days of training immediately prior.

So, now that I've set the stage for you, what do you suppose the voices in my head told me regarding this race?  They said "PR!"  Yep, my ego told me that despite all the evidence to the contrary, I should be able to go out and run the fastest half marathon I've ever run.

Now you can imagine my surprise when on race day, mile one I clock a 7:30 mile (way too slow for a PR).  By mile 4,  I realize that I want to kill those voices in my head.  How could they do this to me?  Is this a joke?  By mile 10 I wanted to cry.  Literally.  I kept choking on the tears that threatened at the back of my throat.  It took everything I had not to stop running as hard as I could despite how slow that pace seemed.

I knew that my husband would be at the finish line and possibly running backwards on course to meet me.  Early in the race I didn't want to see him.  I didn't want to hear him telling me to run faster.  I knew how slow I was going.  By mile 11, I was desperate to see a familiar face.  I wanted to see his form pop into view around the next corner.  I imagined that he would laugh and tell me that coach had texted him, letting him know that my expectations were too high and that he should get out there and cheer me in because the crash from my ego trip was going to be pretty epic.  (Yes, I was slightly delusional at this point).  I imagined that he would tell me that I was doing great, and even though it was slow, it was exactly where I needed to be right now.

IMS Arizona Half Marathon

None of this happened.  I saw him as I crested the final hill a half mile before the finish line.  Yes, he cheered and snapped some photos like the supportive person that he is, but there was no blowing smoke.  I ran through the finish line, exhausted and dehydrated.  I hobbled over to where he was waiting and we headed off in search of my drop bag and the car.  I waited until we were out of view of the main crowd before I cried.  Yes.  I *cried* at a half marathon.  Not for long.  Seriously just a whimper really and a couple of tears,  I was so disappointed in my performance.

My hubby did not allow this pity party to go on for very long.  He reminded me off all the things I already knew about my training and level of preparation for this race.  He reminded me that my goal is not today, but in 6 weeks from now and 7 weeks after that.  He reminded me of all the work I've been doing and how great it is that I can run this well on tired legs.  We went on to enjoy an afternoon of riding our bikes followed by a dinner that I didn't have to cook.  And it was back to training as usual on Monday morning.

Part of me felt like hiding and pretending that I didn't run this weekend.  The people with whom I was shit talking prior to the race (you know who you are!) knew the outcome and didn't rub any salt in my wounds.  The rest of me knew that I needed to own this performance and grow from it.  We all have bad days.  And not that this even falls into the category of "bad day" but when your expectation is out of alignment it doesn't feel too good when reality hits.  I want to set high goals.  I am a firm believer that if you don't aim high, you'll miss.  Only people with supreme talent win by accident.  That is not me.  I race from the heart.  And my heart needs to have a BIG goal.  Something to be passionate about.  When the going gets tough, and I have to talk my way through a race I need to know that when it's all said and done if I reach my goal I will have exceeded all my expectations.

So rather than tuck my tail between my legs, I am owning this performance.  I am owning my ego trip (and subsequent fall).  I am owning my performance from start to finish (which seemed like would never arrive!).  And in the future, when my ego starts talking I will sing just a little bit louder to put it back in it's proper place:  behind the voice in my head that tells me to do work, and give it my all, and run from the heart.

IMS Arizona Half Marathon:  1:41:48

Next up:  Can I match this pace at Oceanside?  I say, YES!!!

Recovery

I am gaining a whole new perspective on what it means to recover, and what is important for recovery.  When I was self coached (aka:  my entire life up until Jan 1, 2014), I read a lot of triathlon magazines, and scoured websites for information.  It seemed that every training plan cycled through various stages of training.  3 weeks building, one week recovery.  2 weeks build, 1 week recovery.  Something of the sort.  I've never been one to take an entire day off as I feel like a bear (and probably act like one!) without some type of endorphin fix, even it it's just from an easy swim.  But I religiously followed the 3 on, 1 off for years without much thought, because I didn't know any better.

By the middle of recovery week I always felt a little sluggish, a little sleepy, a little not so zippy.  I chalked it up to my body needing to rest and it was telling me I needed all the easy days and sleeping in for improvement.  Eventually the recovery week would be up,  I'd start training again and within a few days I felt "normal" again.

Since January 1, I have had one day of complete rest because I was stuck in an airport all day waiting to fly home from visiting family.  Other than that, I've been getting up early to pound the pavement before work with only an occasional recovery session thrown in.  One day I had an easy trainer ride.  One day it was a long swim with lots of pull buoy/ paddle sets to minimize leg work.  Instead of being beaten up, I find that I am making progress in leaps and bounds.

The day after my easy trainer ride I had a trail run on my schedule.  The crew I run with is a bunch of ultrarunners training for hundred milers so our usual 9 mile trail run is nothing to them.  They zip up and around the park at what I consider "race pace".  Sometimes I can hang with them, other times I am completely left in the dust.  I remember thinking 'this is not going to be pretty' because I had been hammering myself for several weeks on end.  The easy trainer day was my first real recovery day.  And when I hit the trails that next morning I felt FANTASTIC!  Better than I'd felt in months on the trails.  I ran so effortlessly and felt like I could have run for days.  I was like, WTF!?  How is this possible?

Turns out that little bit of rest allowed my body to absorb all the work I'd been doing over the previous weeks and was just enough to make me feel rested and recovered.  Who knew?  I don't need a whole week of recovery, but I do need the right amount of recovery mixed in with taking care of myself every day.

What else is important for recovery?

I've become a foam-rolling fanatic.  I have a foam roller.  I know I should use it every day.  Previously I would use it when injured, or during PT sessions.  Now, I use it every single day.  After every bike or run workout.  I roll out the glutes, IT bands, quads, calves, hamstrings.  Every.  Thing.  And every week when I report to Endurance Rehab, my PT asks me how I'm holding up... and I answer honestly... I feel great!

I am a sleep-o-holic.  When my head hits the pillow (or sometimes the sofa cushion) I am out like a light.  I sleep like the dead.  I rarely wake up to pee in the middle of the night anymore.  I no longer lie awake with stupid songs running through my head.  I am OUT.  And I feel sorry for my husband if he tries to talk to me after I've already crawled between the sheets.  Sometimes he will startle me and I do one of those whole body jerks before falling immediately back to sleep.  Sometimes I mumble incoherently... which, come to think of it, I'm pretty sure is how my older sister used to get me to let her borrow clothes when we were younger.  She used to claim I "told her last night" that it was OK for her to wear said article of clothing.  I'm beginning to see things much more clearly now...  Anyway, I digress....

I eat.  All. The. Time.  90% super healthy.  10% anything that's not nailed down.  I try to end all my workouts with a good protein shake.  If I'm at home I mix up a wonderful concoction in my Vitamix.  Kale and peaches.  Spinach with cherries.  Kale, beets with orange.  Add in a little rice milk to thin it out and a good scoop of Vega protein powder and I'm good to go.  If I'm not home, the protein powder gets mixed with water and is not quite as fun, but still effective.  We love homemade pizza.  Like three times a week love.  And I am addicted to Roasted Vegetable Romesco Sandwiches from Isa Does It.   Normally the recipe makes enough for 3 sandwiches (in my household, maybe more for a "normal" family).  This week I roasted 2 heads of cauliflower and 3 zucchini and had enough for plenty of leftovers.  When the bread starts to get a little bit stale, I just eat them open faced instead.  Seriously.  Best recipe ever.

I have my first race of the season this weekend and am ready to put my training to the test!  Today was my last hard workout of the week and now I've got 3 days of easy getting ready for Sunday.  This is by no means an "A" race, but it'll be fun to blow out the legs a bit and see what happens.  Everyone on Team HPB has been winning, and PR-ing, and I'm a little nervous that the announcement on the Team's FB page Monday will be "RunnerChick ran a half marathon yesterday and finished."  I have a good feeling about it so let's hope the chips fall into place!

Happy Training!      

Revenge is.... sweet!

Revenge is a dish best served cold.  True.  But it's also sweet, so it must be kinda like my post-race chocolate shake. 

I don't really feel like hashing out every step of the 26.2 miles that I ran this morning.  I ran.  I ran fast.  It hurt.  I'll skim through the highlights:

*Race:  IMS Arizona Marathon, Buckeye to Glendale, AZ.
*The race was extremely well organized.  It's small size probably contributes to the flawless logistics.  I hopped on the shuttle bus which took us from the finish to the start line, arriving at 6 am.  They had a warm, indoor holding location for us so we didn't stand outside freezing.  (And I didn't have to pay extra for this!!) 
*Relatively promptly, the RD made a few announcements, a beautiful young girl sang the National Anthem, and at 7:04 am we were off and running.
*The course was flat, but very nice.  I'm not big on flat.  But we wound through some rural countryside for a short time and then through many beautiful neighborhoods in the west valley. 
*My goal was to hold 8 minute miles or faster through mile 20.  I made it through 18 at that pace and then began the inevitable slide.  But I felt decent.  I didn't let my head get in the way of my running.
*At mile 24, my husband popped out of the brush to run with me the last 2 miles.  It was so nice to have him there to distract me from the pain.  He had biked from our house to the finish line to meet me.  His encouraging words helped in a desperate moment. 
*I finished crossing the line in 3:32:28ish (waiting on official timing, but this was my Garmin time).

I didn't tell more than a handful of people (my husband, my PT, a friend who guessed what I was getting revenge at...) that I was running this race.  (In my defense, it was posted the entire time on my blog's event timeline...)  Mostly, I didn't want to disappoint anyone besides myself if things didn't go as planned.  And I had no idea how the race was going to pan out.  After a disappointing performance at PF Chang's RNR AZ Marathon, I wasn't in the mood to talk about racing, I didn't want any well wishes.  Not because I don't like well wishes, but because I didn't want any more pressure than that which I was already putting on myself. 

I am happy that the race is over.  I'm beyond ecstatic that I achieved my secondary goal.  (Primary goal was sub 3:30, secondary goal was to BQ with > 5 minute cushion, tertiary goal was BQ.)  It kinda feels surreal.  I had thought about this for so long, and sometimes I wonder if that's what gets me in trouble.  I had already planned on going back to Boston in 2013, I took for granted the amount of work that it takes to get there.  I won't make that mistake again.

I'm trying not to hold a grudge against RNR AZ.  As my husband pointed out, each time I've raced it and dropped out, I've come back within 8 weeks to have a PR performance.  I can't be upset about that.  And it's true.  But I did feel like I had some revenge to take out on today's race.  And I exacted that revenge with the precision of a sniper. 

I would like to take a moment (since this is my space to do what I choose) to thank a couple of people.  My husband is relentlessly positive and has undying faith in me, even when I don't believe in myself.  I have spent six weeks questioning if I would ever run a BQ time again.  He has never wavered.  Even when I kissed him goodbye this morning, through his sleepy haze he mumbled something about seeing me between 3:25-3:35. 

And secondly, my physical therapist at Endurance Rehabilitation.  He was worked on me weekly for over a year.  I was not born to be an athlete, but with his help I am strong and have learned about injury prevention.  About 3 weeks after RNR AZ, I popped the question.... so, you think I could try another marathon in 2 weeks?  At that point, I'd not run more than 13 miles for a long run, and hadn't attempted anything involving a hill.  He assured me that I could.  I know I could not do what I do, time and time again, without his help.  So thank you, Nate and Endurance Rehab, for keeping me running.  Literally. 

So now I will sit on pins and needles for the next 7 months until I know for sure that my time was fast enough to secure me a spot in Boston.  Based on this years times, I should be OK.... but I won't assume that I am.  I hope and pray that I will be on the start line in Hopkinton in April 2013.  And this time around, I will run it like it deserves to be run.  All out.