I have been noticeably absent from writing this summer and I think it's combination time is escaping me and I was struggling with the lack of sunshine and rainbows. Over the last few months I've had multiple conversations/ reminders from Hillary that what I'm feeling is normal and not to lose sight of reality. So here's the reality check:
1. I remember nailing my 12 mile run the day after spring camp ends, when everyone else was sleeping in and enjoying a little recovery swim. What I forget is that when I found out I had a 12 mile progression run after 5 days of destroying myself I threw the biggest pity party known to man. Complete with tears. #notsunshineandrainbows
2. I remember the feeling of pride after completing the Mt. Lemmon double. I felt invincible. I forget crying on the side of the road at Palisades 3 hours into the ride because I was sure there was no way I could finish the double. And if I hadn't seen Hillary and her group heading up as I descended the mountain I likely would have gone back to my car, tucked my tail between my legs, and driven home defeated. #notsunshineandrainbows
3. I remember being so so tired in April, but so fucking strong. No matter what she threw at me, the hardest part of my day was getting out of bed. I did not nail every single workout. But I finished every single thing she asked me to do and I believe that I was rewarded with my (tired + strong) happy place because of it.
The other thing that I've struggled with is the connection with my goal. The spiritual connection. The "it" factor. That one little piece of the puzzle that drives you, keeps you engaged. Pursuing Kona for so long, and then finally being able to make that dream a reality, and then rolling straight into Ultraman, which is like #findingkona on steroids... you can imagine the difficulty coming down from that high. I have struggled since May to connect with a "normal" goal. To feel satisfied in doing normal things. I didn't realize how much I was getting on an emotional and spiritual level chasing these goals for the last 4 years. I imagine it's like summiting Everest and then getting back to base camp wondering, what's next? There are no higher mountains left to climb.
Thankfully that's not exactly true with triathlon, there's always another goal. Another race. A faster time. Higher watts. A faster swim. But taking a step back from Ultraman has been, well... disappointing. I crave that strong + tired feeling from 5 months ago. I crave that little bit of fear of the unknown. Prior to Ultraman I told Hillary that if I was going to race UM, and then be too burnt out to race another Ironman I didn't want to do it. What I didn't realize at the time is that while I would feel physically fine after Ultraman, mentally it would be more challenging to toe the line in something LESS that Ultraman. And thus far I've avoided doing so. I joined my sister for a 3 day half marathon series. I raced the inaugural Alaskaman Extreme Triathlon. But it's nearly October and right now I'm not even close to obtaining All World Athlete status for next year.
But knowing that I DO want to go back to Kona again, I had to do something to change this mindset. I reached out to a friend of mine, Jess the YogiTriathlete, and asked her if I could come live in her world for a few days. Jess and her husband, BJ, incorporate yoga, meditation and mindfulness into their daily triathlon and running training. They coach athletes and Jess does online meditation instruction as part of this, but I hoped that by leaving my world behind for a few days, and immersing myself in their culture that I could learn to connect with my goals in a new way. Bring some fresh vision and life to my dreams. Be all in for those few days so that I can be all in when I line up to race my first Ironman of the year in 6 weeks.
So next week I will embark on my High Vibe Retreat. Aside from swim, bike and run training with BJ, I will have daily meditation sessions and yoga on the beach with Jess. In addition we will prepare most meals together in their plant based kitchen. My good friend, Rachel, is flying in from Iowa to join me for this most amazing journey. I have watched her embrace life's ups and downs over the last year and I thought, who better to join me on this adventure? It would be my dream to one day take my whole tribe for a High Vibe Retreat weekend, but for now, the one on one attention that Rachel and I will receive is what's needed.
We're heading out a few days early so I can do some training with my fellow Team HPB mate and my coach. And we'll soak up some salty sea air and sunshine while we're at it. I'm sure there will be plenty of updates on Instagram and I'll be back to recap after the retreat! Happy training!
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