Unveiling

Him (excitedly):  Tell me about the race!!

Me:  Well, it was OK.  There's really not much to tell.  There was a new bike course with some hills.

Him:  That's it?  Fine, you don't want to talk.

Me:  No, it's not that... there's just not... I just didn't... whatever.  I just felt like I ran slow compared to last year.  My first mile was, like, a 7:15.  It's just a stupid sprint distance.  Whatever.  It doesn't matter.

Him:  Do you even hear yourself? .. I don't get it....

Me:  I just, I've lost a lot of confidence in the last couple of weeks.

Him:  You lost confidence because...??  Because you couldn't keep up with the professional triathletes at camp?  Because everyone who beat you up the hill has been to Kona and most of them have been on the podium at Kona?  You lost confidence because you were the next one to the top?   You lost confidence because you were asked to swim in the coaches' lane?

Me:  I'm not in competition with them.  It's not that.  I just didn't do as well as I had hoped to do.  I still have a lot of work to do and I don't think I'm ready yet.

*************
This is the conversation that went on as we drove around running errands on Sunday.  I had raced Tri 4 The Cure that morning, a super-sprint distance race to raise awareness for breast cancer.  And regardless of if it makes sense or not, this is how I was (am?) feeling.  I fight this sort of self talk.  Most of the time thoughts get quashed in my mind before I even finish entertaining them.  But for some reason, between camp and being exhausted from moving, I've been in a downward mental spiral.  I know I need to get this under control, and STAT.  Texas is just around the corner and if I don't go into it believing I can win, I won't.

Surrounded by some insanely talented women.

On Monday morning I had an hour on the treadmill so I turned on one of my favorite podcasts to boost my spirits a little bit.  If you haven't listened to this one, I highly recommend it.  My coach, Hillary, is obviously on a completely different playing field when it comes to athletic talent and ability, but she knows a little something about having to work to reach her goals.  Having her believe in me, and believe that I can accomplish my dream, restores my confidence and keeps me focused on the prize.

Here is what I heard:

"Look where you want to go, and go where you look..... The person who works the hardest does win in the end, if, if, IF you're willing to keep showing up longer and again and again and again after everyone else gives up.  It may take you twice as long as it takes most people, but if you're willing to keep showing up until you get where you want to go... you can't stop relentless forward progress.  If you're the one who keeps showing you, you will eventually get there...   

What I realized is what actually is apparently really difficult for most people is to find a way.... find a way to make your goal happen.  What is really easy, is to find all the things in the way.  Anyone can find an excuse.   

Look where you want to go, keep showing up, every day, keep showing up after everyone else has quit.  If you do that you'll be too busy to see everything that's in your way, keep your eyes focused where you want to go, and you'll go where you're looking."

Obviously there's a lot more lentils and potatoes in her talk, but these are the key points that impact me.  That speak to me.  When I am in the bulk of my training, I am up every day at 4 am, getting my training done before heading into work for a 10-12 hour shift, and then I head home, eat a quick bite and go to bed by 8 pm to make sure I get a solid 8 hours of rest.  I am so busy that I don't have time to think about what everyone else is doing.  I can only focus on me.  What I am doing to prepare.

By staying focused, I am not looking for obstacles.  I'm not looking for all the things that are in my way, all the possible excuses.  I don't blink when the alarm goes off.  I don't hit the snooze button.  I get up and start my day.  I would love to have a flexible schedule, or a job that allows me to work from home so I could train as much as I want.  I don't.  (But I do have an office full of colleagues who encourage me, and cyber cheer on race day.)

And I am willing.  I am willing to keep showing up.  Again and again and again and again.  I am willing to do the work.  I am willing to make the effort.  I am not afraid of failure.  And I believe that this will happen.  This one, crazy, stupid dream.  It will happen.

And so it seems an appropriate segue to unveil the name of my gem.  I announced on Facebook last week that I was having trouble coming up with a name and asked my friends to help me out.  I was shocked with the number of responses that I got, and even more with the number of legit names that people threw out.  Of course there were a few that garnered a laugh, but amid the sea of possibilities one name struck me.  One name caused instant goosebumps and chills.

My gem.

Hope.

A name I never would have come up with myself.  I mean, really?  Hope?  It's so... pink.  And fluffy.  But the name, Hope, embodies the essence of this entire process for me.  Hope.  Without it, I would have given up long ago.  I would have thrown my name into the Legacy lottery and been done with it all.  I wouldn't have cared.  But I do care.  I HOPE that one day I will qualify for Kona.  And it will be on my own two feet that I carried this dream into reality.

My friend who suggested Hope is British, and suggested it in honor of the Hope Diamond.  I did a little research into the Hope Diamond and though I was a little nervous at all the suggestions of a curse, I choose to believe the like the Hope Diamond, the curse will afflict anyone who steals her from my possession.  (Maybe she'll even inflict a little curse on those who took my beloved E'ly...)

I would like to give a shout out to a couple of other suggestions that I really loved:

One friend suggested Adamas.  She said, "It is the Greek word diamond is derived from.  It means unbreakable.  I saw the dude fall into you when you came out of the water in Tempe.  I thought you were going down.  You barely flinched.  So, I am sure that bike is as unbreakable as you."

And two people suggested Zorro, the name of my beloved kitty that I put to sleep one day shy of a year ago.  My husband had thought I would choose this name, because Zorro is always with me.  

This weekend Hope and I will be tackling Oceanside 70.3- my favorite triathlon!  I have raced Oceanside 5 times previously.  I look forward to tackling the bike course on my new gem.  She is so light, and she does love to climb!  I've already laid down bets with my swim club.  This year we opted to go for the 'who gets closest to their predicted time' challenge since we are not actually in competition with each other.  Beers are on the line, and I've set out a harsh but attainable goal for myself.