Usually the voice in my head is my own. Sometimes I talk to it. A few words of encouragement. Sometimes an entire conversation. Other times the voices in my head belong to my family and friends. I hear their words of encouragement. The challenges they sometimes throw down. Sometimes I sing songs to drown out the voices in my head if they're being negative or saying things I don't need to hear. I have to sing pretty loud so I apologize to anyone who may have been racing next to me during one of these episodes.
Last weekend I raced the IMS half marathon. Now, let's set the record straight: I have not raced an open half marathon since Dec 2011 (ie: a half marathon not following a 1.2 mile swim and 56 mile bike ride). I also have been in full on training mode for my upcoming triathlon season. I also did not taper prior to the half marathon, though I did have 2 easy days of training immediately prior.
So, now that I've set the stage for you, what do you suppose the voices in my head told me regarding this race? They said "PR!" Yep, my ego told me that despite all the evidence to the contrary, I should be able to go out and run the fastest half marathon I've ever run.
Now you can imagine my surprise when on race day, mile one I clock a 7:30 mile (way too slow for a PR). By mile 4, I realize that I want to kill those voices in my head. How could they do this to me? Is this a joke? By mile 10 I wanted to cry. Literally. I kept choking on the tears that threatened at the back of my throat. It took everything I had not to stop running as hard as I could despite how slow that pace seemed.
I knew that my husband would be at the finish line and possibly running backwards on course to meet me. Early in the race I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to hear him telling me to run faster. I knew how slow I was going. By mile 11, I was desperate to see a familiar face. I wanted to see his form pop into view around the next corner. I imagined that he would laugh and tell me that coach had texted him, letting him know that my expectations were too high and that he should get out there and cheer me in because the crash from my ego trip was going to be pretty epic. (Yes, I was slightly delusional at this point). I imagined that he would tell me that I was doing great, and even though it was slow, it was exactly where I needed to be right now.
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| IMS Arizona Half Marathon |
None of this happened. I saw him as I crested the final hill a half mile before the finish line. Yes, he cheered and snapped some photos like the supportive person that he is, but there was no blowing smoke. I ran through the finish line, exhausted and dehydrated. I hobbled over to where he was waiting and we headed off in search of my drop bag and the car. I waited until we were out of view of the main crowd before I cried. Yes. I *cried* at a half marathon. Not for long. Seriously just a whimper really and a couple of tears, I was so disappointed in my performance.
My hubby did not allow this pity party to go on for very long. He reminded me off all the things I already knew about my training and level of preparation for this race. He reminded me that my goal is not today, but in 6 weeks from now and 7 weeks after that. He reminded me of all the work I've been doing and how great it is that I can run this well on tired legs. We went on to enjoy an afternoon of riding our bikes followed by a dinner that I didn't have to cook. And it was back to training as usual on Monday morning.
Part of me felt like hiding and pretending that I didn't run this weekend. The people with whom I was shit talking prior to the race (you know who you are!) knew the outcome and didn't rub any salt in my wounds. The rest of me knew that I needed to own this performance and grow from it. We all have bad days. And not that this even falls into the category of "bad day" but when your expectation is out of alignment it doesn't feel too good when reality hits. I want to set high goals. I am a firm believer that if you don't aim high, you'll miss. Only people with supreme talent win by accident. That is not me. I race from the heart. And my heart needs to have a BIG goal. Something to be passionate about. When the going gets tough, and I have to talk my way through a race I need to know that when it's all said and done if I reach my goal I will have exceeded all my expectations.
So rather than tuck my tail between my legs, I am owning this performance. I am owning my ego trip (and subsequent fall). I am owning my performance from start to finish (which seemed like would never arrive!). And in the future, when my ego starts talking I will sing just a little bit louder to put it back in it's proper place: behind the voice in my head that tells me to do work, and give it my all, and run from the heart.
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| IMS Arizona Half Marathon: 1:41:48 |
Next up: Can I match this pace at Oceanside? I say, YES!!!
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