Moving forward...

A lot has happened in the 2 weeks since my last post. We lost a friend in a tragic accident last week and it has shaped how I approach my workouts, how well I am sleeping (or not sleeping) and my focus for the future. I'm not going to dwell on death, and her close friends have done a much better job than I could in memorializing her, but here's how I'm changing...

On Wednesday morning I received a message from my husband about her death. (He was a close friend of hers, and I a friend through him.) I had just finished my 5:30 am bike ride and was about to hit the shower. Suddenly my world was a little less stable. I felt a little (or a lot) less safe. I didn't know how to process the information. I was sad. I was angry as hell. Tears dried to leave a hollow space in my heart.

As the day wore on we talked about her and what she meant to us and to our community. A fire began to burn inside, wanting to be everything that she will never get to be. At track the next morning, we each silently dedicated our intervals to her. I recorded the fastest 2 x 1600, 1 x 800 I've ever run; taking a full 10 seconds off my previous fastest 1600.

The next morning at the pool, I swam my anaerobic threshhold intervals faster than I've ever swum before. My mind and heart were emptied and were filling with a passion and desire to be my own best self. Music is very therapeutic for me, and I was filled with words of some of my favorites artists. If I have one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything I've ever wanted, will I capture it? Or just let it slip? We only have one lifetime. We have one chance to be who we want to be and accomplish what we set out to accomplish. I will not half ass my dreams.

On Sunday, my husband and I took a trip to Tucson to bike Mt. Lemmon. I had been dreading it all week because the climb is soooo long, and my legs were sooo trashed. But I got on that mountain, and my head filled with another song. One even more compelling. I sang the song from the Band Perry, ...it's a sharp knife of a short life... but I've had just enough time.... And before I knew it, I was powering up the hill thinking of all the things I want to be and do and how lucky I was to be able to ride my bike that day on such a beautiful mountain. By the time I crested Palisades and then rounded into Summerhaven, I was smiling and wishing my ride could last all day.

And this week, to help battle my demons, I pulled out my motivational CD collection from Edge Learning Institute. About once every year when I'm feeling down or particularly aggressive about something (not in a good way), I pop them in and listen as I drive around town. I learn how to motivate myself, how to approach change, and how to be my own best self. Many of the things I take into training with me (like visualization) I learned from these CDs. And each time I listen to them, something stands out to me that maybe I didn't pay attention to before. One of the things that I heard yesterday that stuck in my head was the building blocks for potential. Potential = talent + knowledge/ education + motivation. It seems so basic, and it is, but I love it. My friend had the whole package, and she had the potential to be the next great American marathoner (think Dena Kastor great). I like knowing that even though I have no inate athletic talent; with knowledge, hard work and a burning desire to work hard and give my best I have the potential to be great.

Slowly, with each day that passes, I feel more and more like myself. I have always loved hard work and seeing the results in competetion. But as I enter this season I am particularly excited to see not only the culmination of a very hard year of training but also the effects of the fuel that now feeds my flame. With Oceanside less than 3 weeks away, I can taste the salt water. I can feel the burn in my quads and I can smell the victory as I smash my previous best time.