As I approach the last 4 weeks of training before Ironman Wisconsin, I've been giving a lot of thought to the idea of motivation. It's important on race day to know why you're out there. When the going gets tough, if you don't have a reason... those not tough enough often drop out before the finish line. I've never dropped out of an Ironman. I dropped out of an olympic distance race once. I dropped out of a marathon due to injury. I've quit some long bike rides earlier than prescribed. But I've never quit an Ironman. This year, however, I'm very worried.
During my first IM in 2007, the thought of quitting never once crossed my mind. The whole day was so surreal and the 140.6 mile journey was so amazing. Yes, it was windy. Yes, it was hot. But I was so focused on becoming an Ironman that I wouldn't let anything deter me. A year later, though, when I was competing in my second IM race on the same course... I hit a massive head wind on the bike and I thought to myself, 'I'm just going to finish this loop and head back to the hotel'. Now, I didn't of course, but when that thought crossed my mind it took me completely by surprise. I almost didn't know how to counteract that thought. Thankfully, when I turned back toward town I had the wind at my back and was able to make up some time and decided I'd gut it out. That's still my fastest IM bike split.
This training season has been much more difficult and challenging for me. For starters, this is the first time I've had to train through the summer. It is absolutely ridiculous. Beyond words ridiculous. Just plain fucking crazy, if you ask me. I have to get up at 3:30 am to start my long runs by 4 am to be done by 7:30... before it's 100 degrees out and the sun is beating the life out of me. It's still could be 90 at 4 am, and I'm still running 90 seconds per mile slower than I was 6 months ago in 70 degrees, but at least it's dark for the first 90 minutes of my run. It's just stupid. I think I've already said that. I decided several weeks ago that as long as I live in AZ, I will never do another IM past June. I will not train in these conditions again. I do not love them. Second of all, there's been a few obstacles to my training. First was my crash, which is still fucking with my head. I didn't have to take any time off after my crash, but if I'm out for a long ride alone, I get to a point where I just can't do it anymore. I have to stop. The anxiety just becomes unbearable after 4 or 5 hours. And then Dan had his accident. I had to miss a few key workouts to be available to care for him. I'm not upset or disappointed, it's just life and you have to be flexible. And then last week I was sick for 24 hours which caused me to miss my long run.
So I'm entering this Ironman with a crazy mixture of being overtrained and undertrained at the same time. I've missed some major workouts- big workouts. Long bike rides. Long runs. Undertrained. But at the same time, given the circumstances of my life this past 22 weeks, I've done way more than my body is capable of handling. Thus the overtrained part. I feel like hell. My body hurts. I'm tired. I'm ready for this to be over. And the tough part is, I can't seem to find that reason. The reason to keep going. Race day is supposed to be my reward. And maybe as the days go by and it gets closer I'll start to feel that excitement. But I haven't been able to conjure up that image in my mind of race day. The one that gives you goosebumps and makes you keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's gone.
And thus, friends, I have decided to take a break from Ironman when this season is over. I still love the idea of IM. The challenge, the suffering, the comraderie. But I need to fall in love with IM again. I need to want it. Want to train. Want to suffer. Want to put in the long hard hours. I think when IM AZ is over in November (that's right, I've got another IM 10 weeks after IM-Moo!) I will train for some 70.3's and some marathons, just for fun. I have Boston to look forward to. I'm signed up for Oceanside. I'd like to find some other half-IM events in early summer to train for. And when the time is right and my heart skips that beat at the thought of Ironman... I'd like to come back and do CDA or St. George. I will always be Ironman. It's in my blood. We just need to rekindle our romance...
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