Unveiling

Him (excitedly):  Tell me about the race!!

Me:  Well, it was OK.  There's really not much to tell.  There was a new bike course with some hills.

Him:  That's it?  Fine, you don't want to talk.

Me:  No, it's not that... there's just not... I just didn't... whatever.  I just felt like I ran slow compared to last year.  My first mile was, like, a 7:15.  It's just a stupid sprint distance.  Whatever.  It doesn't matter.

Him:  Do you even hear yourself? .. I don't get it....

Me:  I just, I've lost a lot of confidence in the last couple of weeks.

Him:  You lost confidence because...??  Because you couldn't keep up with the professional triathletes at camp?  Because everyone who beat you up the hill has been to Kona and most of them have been on the podium at Kona?  You lost confidence because you were the next one to the top?   You lost confidence because you were asked to swim in the coaches' lane?

Me:  I'm not in competition with them.  It's not that.  I just didn't do as well as I had hoped to do.  I still have a lot of work to do and I don't think I'm ready yet.

*************
This is the conversation that went on as we drove around running errands on Sunday.  I had raced Tri 4 The Cure that morning, a super-sprint distance race to raise awareness for breast cancer.  And regardless of if it makes sense or not, this is how I was (am?) feeling.  I fight this sort of self talk.  Most of the time thoughts get quashed in my mind before I even finish entertaining them.  But for some reason, between camp and being exhausted from moving, I've been in a downward mental spiral.  I know I need to get this under control, and STAT.  Texas is just around the corner and if I don't go into it believing I can win, I won't.

Surrounded by some insanely talented women.

On Monday morning I had an hour on the treadmill so I turned on one of my favorite podcasts to boost my spirits a little bit.  If you haven't listened to this one, I highly recommend it.  My coach, Hillary, is obviously on a completely different playing field when it comes to athletic talent and ability, but she knows a little something about having to work to reach her goals.  Having her believe in me, and believe that I can accomplish my dream, restores my confidence and keeps me focused on the prize.

Here is what I heard:

"Look where you want to go, and go where you look..... The person who works the hardest does win in the end, if, if, IF you're willing to keep showing up longer and again and again and again after everyone else gives up.  It may take you twice as long as it takes most people, but if you're willing to keep showing up until you get where you want to go... you can't stop relentless forward progress.  If you're the one who keeps showing you, you will eventually get there...   

What I realized is what actually is apparently really difficult for most people is to find a way.... find a way to make your goal happen.  What is really easy, is to find all the things in the way.  Anyone can find an excuse.   

Look where you want to go, keep showing up, every day, keep showing up after everyone else has quit.  If you do that you'll be too busy to see everything that's in your way, keep your eyes focused where you want to go, and you'll go where you're looking."

Obviously there's a lot more lentils and potatoes in her talk, but these are the key points that impact me.  That speak to me.  When I am in the bulk of my training, I am up every day at 4 am, getting my training done before heading into work for a 10-12 hour shift, and then I head home, eat a quick bite and go to bed by 8 pm to make sure I get a solid 8 hours of rest.  I am so busy that I don't have time to think about what everyone else is doing.  I can only focus on me.  What I am doing to prepare.

By staying focused, I am not looking for obstacles.  I'm not looking for all the things that are in my way, all the possible excuses.  I don't blink when the alarm goes off.  I don't hit the snooze button.  I get up and start my day.  I would love to have a flexible schedule, or a job that allows me to work from home so I could train as much as I want.  I don't.  (But I do have an office full of colleagues who encourage me, and cyber cheer on race day.)

And I am willing.  I am willing to keep showing up.  Again and again and again and again.  I am willing to do the work.  I am willing to make the effort.  I am not afraid of failure.  And I believe that this will happen.  This one, crazy, stupid dream.  It will happen.

And so it seems an appropriate segue to unveil the name of my gem.  I announced on Facebook last week that I was having trouble coming up with a name and asked my friends to help me out.  I was shocked with the number of responses that I got, and even more with the number of legit names that people threw out.  Of course there were a few that garnered a laugh, but amid the sea of possibilities one name struck me.  One name caused instant goosebumps and chills.

My gem.

Hope.

A name I never would have come up with myself.  I mean, really?  Hope?  It's so... pink.  And fluffy.  But the name, Hope, embodies the essence of this entire process for me.  Hope.  Without it, I would have given up long ago.  I would have thrown my name into the Legacy lottery and been done with it all.  I wouldn't have cared.  But I do care.  I HOPE that one day I will qualify for Kona.  And it will be on my own two feet that I carried this dream into reality.

My friend who suggested Hope is British, and suggested it in honor of the Hope Diamond.  I did a little research into the Hope Diamond and though I was a little nervous at all the suggestions of a curse, I choose to believe the like the Hope Diamond, the curse will afflict anyone who steals her from my possession.  (Maybe she'll even inflict a little curse on those who took my beloved E'ly...)

I would like to give a shout out to a couple of other suggestions that I really loved:

One friend suggested Adamas.  She said, "It is the Greek word diamond is derived from.  It means unbreakable.  I saw the dude fall into you when you came out of the water in Tempe.  I thought you were going down.  You barely flinched.  So, I am sure that bike is as unbreakable as you."

And two people suggested Zorro, the name of my beloved kitty that I put to sleep one day shy of a year ago.  My husband had thought I would choose this name, because Zorro is always with me.  

This weekend Hope and I will be tackling Oceanside 70.3- my favorite triathlon!  I have raced Oceanside 5 times previously.  I look forward to tackling the bike course on my new gem.  She is so light, and she does love to climb!  I've already laid down bets with my swim club.  This year we opted to go for the 'who gets closest to their predicted time' challenge since we are not actually in competition with each other.  Beers are on the line, and I've set out a harsh but attainable goal for myself.

Summer Fun

It's crazy sometimes how fast time goes.  I blink and Texas was almost 8 weeks ago!  Texas was the kickoff of my busy season and I've had so much fun over the last couple of months I thought I would share a few highlights.

After Texas we flew home for a long weekend of wedding celebrations!  My cousin tied the knot in a beautiful ceremony and we had a blast dancing the night away at the reception.  My cousin and his girlfriend (now wife!) lived in Arizona when we moved here.  I feel so blessed to have gotten to know her over the last few years and was honored to stand up for both of them during the ceremony.  These two are what make family so special and I look forward to many more good times in the future.  Texas 2015???  :-)

Paul and Desiree

 The weekend went by too quickly as usual.  But I did get to see all of my nephews and my niece, and we spend a little time together on the dance floor!  My sisters and their hubbies have done a wonderful job raising them.  While other kids were running amok, they were well behaved, ate their dinner quietly, and joined us to boogie down on the dance floor.  I think they were ready for another song when I was ready to crawl into bed for the night!  In my defense I haven't worn heels since... well... I cannot even think of the last time!

Me with a couple of my favorite kiddos!

The wedding was only a week after Texas so I was still in recovery mode.  I told my coach I had access to a cruiser-type bike and would be happy to ride it or run while we were in Iowa.  We have a beautiful rails- to- trails path that runs for about 70 miles.  I'm pretty sure I had a giddy-stupid smile on my face the whole time we were biking.  It was a gorgeous day and I don't often get to enjoy the green trees!!

Cruising on the Wabash Trace.

Soon June was upon us and we were settling back into training for the fall.  My team, TriScottsdale, does a "best ball" golf tournament every year and this year we decided to jump in.  In my mind, I was thinking that this would be a fun event.  And we did have fun, but the small problem that I encountered is that you still have to actually be able to hit a golf ball.  Never having played before, this was quite comical as I whiffed tee off more than I actually contacted the ball.  

We were divided into teams of 4, and each player had to tee off.  Then each person plays from the best position for the remainder of the hole.  I was definitely the weak link until we got onto the green and then I could shine.  Don't ask me why, but putting came pretty easy and I was happy to be able to contribute a little to my team.  But it wasn't all serious... We had one hole where we had to tee off blind folded.  Another time it was "fastest" to the hole.  And then we had the triathlon hole.... where we wore swim caps and goggles (barefoot) for tee off, and then changed into bike helmets and running shoes for the rest of the hole.  Made for some good laughs.  

The triathlon hole... 

Duty calls, and the end of June found me in San Francisco for a continuing education meeting.  I have visited the city numerous times for business and pleasure, and I have my favorite running routes all mapped out.  Coach assigned me hill repeats one day--  there is nothing like hill repeats in San Francisco...  and then agreed to let me run my favorite 20 mile route from Union Square where I was staying to the Golden Gate Bridge and back.  I LOVE the Golden Gate Bridge.  I'm not sure why, but it is so intriguing to me.  I am terrified of heights and couldn't actually stop on the bridge to take pictures.  (I tried once and when I looked up at the pillars my world started spinning and thought it best to keep running and not stagger off the bridge into the cold waters below!)  I did capture this beauty when I crossed into Marin on the other side before I headed back.  

Golden Gate Bridge

Back in Phoenix, I got a text message from a Team HPB team mate of mine.  It read, "Have you ever biked to Payson?"  So, for starters, I had biked most of the way to Payson (a town heading into the mountains about 70 miles from where I live).  Last fall, a friend and I hopped on our bikes and headed that way.  A few hours later some more friends got in the car and drove... when they caught us we hopped in and did some hiking, and had a picnic lunch before heading back.  But I have always wanted to finish the ride.  So I took it upon myself to arrange a little bicycle adventure, and over the 4th of July weekend, we started out from Fountain Hills heading toward Payson.  Our little group of 6, quickly became 5 as one of the riders had multiple mechanical issues from the start.  He had arranged his own SAG and so just called it a day after the second or third issue.  

For the first 2 hours I felt so slow as my legs were shaking off the rust, but soon enough they came around and I was climbing comfortably the rest of the way.  The weather was perfect.  Just a little bit overcast, and the temps dropped noticeably as we increased in elevation.  As the morning wore on, 3 more riders suffered multiple flat tires, a saddle that wouldn't stay put, and road debris caught in the rear cassette.  By the time we reached Payson our 5 hours of ride time had taken us 7 hours of actual time.  Since we had only one SAG vehicle and it was late in the day now we made the decision to have part of the group start back as we tried to figure out how we were going to get 5 bikes and 6 people into one little Xterra.  Within 20 minutes, we got the call to pick up one of the riders with another flat.  So we loaded as many bikes as we could into the car, sagged the remaining rider, and drove back to Fountain Hills where we dropped everyone off and then I headed back out the collect the last rider standing.  He made it within 15 miles of Fountain Hills when I picked him up... looking happy as a clam!  

Loving the ride!

We made it to Payson.  

        We decided in the future it would be best to have at least 2 SAG vehicles, one to lead and one to sweep.  That way, when someone suffers a mechanical or a flat everyone else can keep riding and the SAG vehicle can help solve the problem and then drop the rider off down the road with the group.  

I also kept our packing list of items that we had available in the SAG car for my future reference.  

Gear box:

Extra tubes - be prepared for various wheel types!  We had 80 mm tubes and standard 48 mm.  

Extra CO2

Floor pump

Patch kits, chain lube

Spare tire (preferably something bullet proof!)

Towels (these came in handy when we had to stack a couple of bikes for the ride home, and for the sweaty bodies on the seats!)

Multi-tool

Ice chest:

coke

diet pepsi

gatorade

water

watermelon, grapes

Gatorade cooler (the kind with the screw on lid, and spout...):  filled with ice water!!!

Food bin:

salty snacks- we had pringles, rice crisps, and some other salty snack foods

snickers bars

salt capsules

extra gallons of water to top off the cooler as needed

We also encouraged each rider to bring a small bag of personal nutrition/ hydration needs.  Mine included Osmo hydration, Honey Stinger chews, Bonk Breakers.  

Overall this was an awesome ride and the road was in way better condition than I had expected (despite the flat tires!).  The scenery was beautiful and it was challenging but not so much that you couldn't enjoy what you're doing.  Next time, I want to be able to go there and back- with an earlier start and more support cars!

First to the top!

Along with my epic ride to Payson, I've been spending most of my time it seems on the trails.  It's been wonderful to be able to explore some of my favorite parks that I haven't been to in a while and try to conquer my more familiar trails at a faster pace.  Unfortunately, as one friend reminded me, the trail requires blood sacrifice at times.  And my time came due!  After a particularly speedy 9 miler I was in the final section heading back to my car.  My toe caught the gravel and down I went with a pretty good skid.  Wounds heal and battle scars are badges of honor!

It looks better than it actually was.  I did a pretty good number on myself!

And last but not least, we have added to our clan.  After laying Zorro to rest in March, our house was particularly quiet.  The boys (Gus, Brady and Blue) are all getting up in years with the youngest being 9.  I decided it was a good time to bring in some younger life.  I think as a pet owner, I worry about all my pets aging at the same time.  We don't know the exact ages of Gus and Brady, but we believe they are both 12.  Blue has never been an only cat.  Anyway... you see where this is going...  So a friend of mine had several litters of kittens that she had been fostering.  One litter was ready to be placed in homes so she let me do a trial weekend with two of them.  Needless to say, they never left!  Our little Moo and Blackie have been a fun and loving addition to our home.  They make us laugh every day with their antics.  It's been so long since I've had a kitten I forgot how playful they are!  They will literally play for hours until they collapse from exhaustion.  Then they sleep for 15 minutes and play again!  And the older boys are teaching them the fine art of napping and snuggling.  

Love these faces!

As summer nears it's turning point we are settling into the last 8 weeks before Ironman Wisconsin.  We've got some more summer fun before then with a couple of races in Flagstaff and a 50k in Tahoe.  I've been having so much fun training I almost don't want summer to end.  Then it's time to get into serious race mode and I feel I have so much work yet to be done.  

Happy Training!

The Legend of Zorro

June 1999.  I was a senior in veterinary school on my radiology rotation.  This means that I spent my days learning about the physics, math, and art behind obtaining and interpreting xray images.  We received an order from the Community Practice department requesting radiographs on a 6 month old kitten.  The kitten had been owned by a college student who was away for the long Memorial Day weekend.  When he returned from vacation, he found the kitten trapped by his leg in the windowsill of his big, old farmhouse.

He brought the kitten, Zorro, in to be examined.  But with limited finances, Zorro sat in the hospital ward with antibiotics and pain medications for several days before any treatments were authorized.  His right rear leg was severely injured, and swollen from his thigh to his paw.  His paw had swelled to about 6 times its normal size and reeked of infection and tissue death.  

When we went to fetch Zorro for his radiographs, he was happy to be petted, and held, and he purred constantly.  Most patients in his condition would be acting sick, and rightfully so.  But not Zorro.  I knew immediately he was special and I couldn't help falling in love.

A day or two later I heard that Zorro's owner had declined surgery because of limited finances.  Amputation was the only option for him.  His owner had relinquished him to the teaching hospital, which meant that it was up to the doctor treating him to decide his fate.  Many times this means euthanasia.  But in Zorro's case, he had a treatable injury and what he needed was someone to take responsibility for him.  To love him.

I already had one cat, Lucky, whom my dad got for me when I was 9 years old.  Lucky was 12 at the time, and I was a starving college student.  I told my parents I was going to rehabilitate him and find him a home.  I signed on as Zorro's guardian and arranged for the surgery resident to amputate his leg.  My parents happened to be coming into town the evening of his surgery and my mom was with me when he was coming out of anesthesia recovery.  Minus one leg, Zorro was still the sweetest, happiest little angel.

Years later, my dad still teases me that I walked into the middle of an empty cornfield and asked if anyone wanted a cat... that was my attempt at finding him a home.  And it's probably true.  I do remember asking one friend, but I knew that no one would ever love him as much as I did.  And I could give him a good home.  A good life.  

Getting a bath from Blue.

For 14 years, Zorro was the picture of health.  His lack of leg never slowed him down.  In fact, his remaining back leg became really strong and we referred to it as his ham-hock.  One year I hosted a dinner for Thanksgiving for my co-workers.  On of the doctors remarked, "your cat is limping."  I smiled and told her that it was because he only had 3 legs.  He really could run and jump and play just like any other cat.  

Last year I began to notice that Zorro was losing weight.  His muscles were beginning to atrophy and he was showing some signs of weakness.  He started asking to be picked up when we were all snuggling on the couch at night.  He stopped walking up the steps to the bedroom, he would stay downstairs.  

With all 4 of my boys being 'senior' pets, I decided to take them all in for some bloodwork.  I was shocked to discover that Zorro was diabetic.  He wasn't even overweight.  He had never been on steroids.  Those are the two most common reasons cats become diabetic.  I knew that this was not the typical Type 2 diabetes we see in pets.  He was just old.  And his pancreas was shutting down.  We started insulin and though he was never regulated as much as I would have liked, he did respond and his weight stabilized.

Snuggling with Brady

If you follow my blog, you know about our scare from November.  (You can read about it here.)  After that incident, he recovered and even improved somewhat after I changed his insulin.  But I promised myself that if he ever declined again, that I would let him go.  I know how to prolong his life.  But that doesn't mean his life has quality.  

Two days ago, my baby stopped eating.  Though he still wanted to be near us, he was no longer the chatty, demanding kitten that we knew.  He slept very heavily and unless we were actively bothering him, he was difficult to rouse.  He normally was not allowed in the bedroom at night because he would lay by my head and demand that I pet him all. night. long.  This was not very conducive to sleeping.  Last night I was worried that he might pass, and I set him up with a blanket on the floor by my bed so I could keep an eye on him.  He slept very soundly until about 4 am when he finally woke up and asked to be let out.  This wasn't him.  

I counsel people on euthanasia every day.  And I know that no matter how "right" it is, it is never an easy decision to make.  But years ago I worked with an oncologist, and she believed (which I also came to believe) that it is our last gift to our pets.  To end their suffering.  To let them go.  It's easier to keep them alive, and drag things on because we can't possibly make that decision.  I know.  I get it.  But when we can put their needs above our own then it is a gift.    

Our boys' favorite past time.  

Today I gave Zorro the gift of freedom.  Freedom from his disease.  Freedom from weakness.  And pain.  And hunger.  I will always love him.  And as I held onto him so tightly when the injection was given I knew that he could feel my love.  I believe in a loving God, and I believe that in the afterlife I will be reunited with the ones that I loved here on earth.  And it would not be complete without my boys.  They will be there before me, waiting.     

Thank you to my wonderful husband for your support, patience, and love.  I know you loved Z kitty as much as I did.  Our home will not be the same, each time we say goodbye to one of our babies.  Thank you to RA for being with us and administering the injection, a task that I could not do.  Thank you to MAS for transporting him to the crematorium.  I don't think I could come to work tomorrow if I knew he was in the holding cooler waiting to be picked up.  Thank you to CAS and CJB for being there to support us and to love on Z during his last day.  

To my Z kitty, 

I always teased that you promised me you would live forever.  I only said this because you were the best cat on the planet.  I knew when you came into my life that you were special, and there will never be another like you.  You traveled across the country with me 5 times.  You flew in an airplane- calm, cool and collected like it was no big deal.  You lived a week in an RV.  You rode several times shotgun in a moving van.  No matter where we went, you were happy as long as we were together.  You didn't like being alone, and when Lucky died you cried every day until I brought you a kitten.  And you graciously accepted, and genuinely loved, every cat that I brought you since then.  We joked that the pillow you laid on at night was your throne.  But you truly were royalty.  I cherish every memory I have, and will miss you with all my heart.  When I close my eyes at night I will hear the soft rumble of your purr and imagine you making biscuits on my arm to get my attention.  I love you, my angel.  Rest in peace.